Cryptonews

Ether, that fickle muse of the crypto world, tumbled 8% to $3,940, leaving $115 million in long positions as collateral damage. 💸

Now, don’t get excited about seeing your bank vaults filled with Bitcoin just yet; JPMorgan’s “crypto trading” plans are still in the toddler stages, which means they’re trying to walk but haven’t yet learned not to trip over their own shoelaces. Senior execs proudly proclaim, “Clients will soon be trading digital assets directly through us.” Because nothing screams trust like handing over your hard-earned cash to suits and ties who still call it a “pilot project.”

Now, Glassnode, those wise old owls of market research, reckon this deleveraging was just what the doctor ordered-a necessary reset, they say. A reset, mind you, that left investors nursing their wounds and counting their losses. But hey, what’s a little financial bloodletting among friends? 🩸💰

On Monday, the ever-determined Bank of England Governor and FSB Chairman, Andrew Bailey, declared, with all the gravitas of a man whose title suggests he must know something important, that the global watchdog would step up its efforts to confront the increasingly menacing dangers from the private finance sector and, of course, stablecoins. We get it, Andrew. Stablecoins, the darling of digital finance, but also the inconvenient truth that cannot be ignored. They’re growing, they’re everywhere, and apparently, they could cause a bit of a ruckus. Bailey, in a letter to the Group of 20 (G20), promised a reformation of the FSB’s surveillance system. Why? Because apparently, the current one is like using a telescope to watch your neighbor’s Wi-Fi signal-too slow, too outdated, and not really effective in spotting emerging threats.

According to the ever-optimistic Tom Lee, ETH might just rocket to $10K-$12K by year’s end, turning paupers into princes-though the options traders, those gloomy wizards of the derivatives tower, seem to be betting on a more… realistic potion of pessimism. 🧙‍♂️

Despite this dramatic interlude, Bitcoin’s market-value-to-realized-value (MVRV) ratio-a metric so arcane it could only have been devised by a mind steeped in the mysteries of high finance-continues to suggest a “mid-cycle expansion.” Translated from the jargon, this means the market is neither in the throes of euphoria nor the depths of despair. How utterly tedious.

Once a titan with its market-to-Bitcoin NAV (mNAV) strutting above the big 1, it’s now reduced to the droll 0.99, stumbling into uncharted waters-imagine sailing the high seas only to find you’ve hit a shallow patch. According to the wise men with charts (and official data, no less), this was first recorded on an unremarkable Tuesday-something to toast with a cup of tea, or perhaps something more spirited. ☕🥃

Here are 4 altcoins analysts believe are poised to break through in the coming week: USELESS, Mantle, Ethereum, and Bitcoin Hyper. Hold onto your wallets, folks. It’s going to be a wild ride! 💥

Imagine, if you will, a team of six wise fools-pardon, academics-who, with but a modest satellite dish upon a rooftop in San Diego, spied upon 39 satellites and found a treasure trove of unencrypted gossip! 📡 Cellular keys, SMS messages, and even military secrets-all laid bare like a poorly penned farce! 🤡

Futures longs dominate with +1.5M contracts-because who needs sleep when you can bet on a coin? But the $2.8 Parabolic SAR resistance is like a “Don’t Try This at Home” sign. ⚠️