The health technology firm is planning to create a Bitcoin-focused treasury plan through a funding arrangement that’s as straightforward as a Tolstoy novel 📚. Under the deal, Ascent intends to invest up to $100 million in the company’s common shares. One can only assume they’re hoping to get in on the cryptocurrency craze 💥.
Per the latest Digital Asset Fund Flows Report, the discerning eyes of institutional investors poured record sums into ETH exchange-traded products (ETPs) last week. A feat most worthy of a standing ovation—or at least a well-dressed gentleman with a quill.
On a most auspicious Monday, the exchange decreed that U.S. folk could now tango with perpetual derivatives through their Coinbase Financial Markets account. Yes, you heard right: BTC-PERP and ETH-PERP are here, ready to whisk you away on a rollercoaster of risk and reward. Because nothing says “fun” like betting on crypto without an end date. 😏
In an ear-splitting announcement shared on the bustling bazaar of X social media, the illustrious marketing queen, Lucie, has graced us with insightful revelations about the impending altcoin carnival, intricately detailing the escapades awaiting SHIB. First off, what’s a party without Bitcoin? The mighty BTC, like a polished performer, breaks down those oh-so-crucial resistance levels, reclaiming its self-proclaimed throne of market dominance. Thereafter, Ethereum steps in, gallantly waving its digital flag, signaling the commencement of capital’s exuberant exodus to the expansive altcoin tapestry.
This little drama, which feels like it’s been pulled straight from a soap opera written by accountants, centers around something called the “Motion for Leave.” No, it’s not a new dance craze or a vegan smoothie trend—it’s the FTX estate’s desperate plea for extra time to explain why it wants to stop paying back creditors in countries with what they call “vague or restrictive crypto laws.” You know, those places where regulators might throw the book at them—or worse, toss their executives into jail. 🚓💸
As our gaze shifts back to the elusive altcoins, a handful of underappreciated tokens have emerged from their shadows, waving their little hands and shouting, “Look at me!” According to the sacred scrolls of Coingecko, let us behold three top gainers worthy of your attention this fine week in July:
The crypto market is feeling a little frisky, as altcoin season indicators have jumped above 50—like the leading athlete in a school race! According to QCP’s latest insights, ETH is strutting ahead, with perpetual open interest skyrocketing from under $18 billion to over $28 billion. That’s a jump that would make even a caffeinated kangaroo jealous!
Users started noticing their SSDs aging faster than a dog in a cartoon, and it was all linked to MetaMask’s relentless writing spree. One savvy user checked their disk analytics and exclaimed: “My SSD’s life expectancy went from ‘forever’ to ‘where’s the nearest waste bin?’” Another reported over 100GB of drama in just one day—all because MetaMask couldn’t take a hint and hit the brakes! 🏎️💨
Ah, the fickle masses! Yesterday they spat upon this token; today they kneel before it. A rally fueled not by reason, but by the fevered hopes of men chasing mirages. 🎭
On the 21st of July, the remarkable Upexi announced this splendid acquisition which has now swelled their treasury to a princely total of over 1.8 million SOL, estimated to be worth more than $331 million at the juncture of this purchase. One can hardly contain their astonishment! During this particular acquisition, completed on the 17th of the same month, they procured approximately $17.7 million worth of this digital treasure, with each token procured at the ludicrously delightful average price of $176.77. Oh, how delightful for their coffers! 💰
