It appears the former Mr. Zhao-known to his friends (if he has any left who aren’t lawyers) as “CZ”-has been attempting to untangle a knot of speculation regarding his relationship with a former leader who has a rather…distinctive…hair arrangement. The core of the issue? A pardon. Granted. By him. The one with the hair. Naturally, this sparked the sort of frenzy normally reserved for sightings of the Lesser Spotted Marmoset riding a unicycle.
The Cliff Notes Version (Because, Let’s Be Real)
On a platform clearly named because at this point adding another letter to the alphabet is futile, Martinez presented the falling wedge drawing (the pattern where Dogecoin’s prices decide if they want to hug or fight one another). A wedge is like when someone tells you things are going to be “a tight squeeze”, but apparently in the technical analysis (TA) scene.
In a move that defied absolutely no expectations, an analyst named Sam Daodu-possibly an android trained exclusively on crypto Twitter-has announced that a shocking number of XRP tokens have vanished from exchanges. Not vanished, mind you, in the dramatic “sent to a parallel dimension” sense, but in the much more mundane “moved to cold wallets where they sit, staring at walls, collecting digital dust” fashion.
According to CryptoRank’s historical data (because nothing says “serious investment” like a spreadsheet titled “Meme Coin Returns”), Dogecoin averages a depressing -2.33% in February. Meanwhile, SHIB, the underdog-pun absolutely intended-has been pulling off a solid +9.26% since 2021. That’s a 397% imbalance. I mean, who even knew meme coins had seasons? Turns out, February is SHIB’s Super Bowl.
Enter DonWedge, the crypto whisperer, who dropped a chart on TradingView with all the subtlety of a Bridget Jones diary entry: “XRP looks good.” Short, sweet, and oh-so-vague. But darling, in the world of crypto, that’s practically a love letter. His analysis? All about patterns. A downward-sloping channel, much like the one we saw months ago. Because, let’s face it, crypto loves a good rerun more than I love a Mark Darcy comeback.
these funds won’t actually hold any crypto. Because where’s the excitement in that? Instead, they’ll use regulated futures contracts-aka gambling with a spreadsheet-to mimic the index’s daily performance. Very real. Very functional. Very “let’s hope no one pulls the regulatory fire alarm.”
Bezos, with a raised eyebrow and a twinkle of sarcasm, swiftly squashed the fib. “Nope,” he chirped, “Not sure why Polymarket made this up.” And the internet, ever the drama queen, gasped in unison. Oh, the scandal! The audacity! The sheer cheek of it all!
Currently, ETH is flirting near $2,932-about $68 below the big three thousand-and, as of January 23, 2026, it’s down around 2%. After a dramatic breakup with its upward trendline-cue the sad violin-Ethereum has repeatedly flirted with $3,000, each rejection feeling more like a punch to the pride than a market correction. That level has become the financial equivalent of your high school crush ignoring you after a dance; painfully familiar and just as unhelpful.
The market, once a bustling bazaar of ambition, now resembles a provincial tea party where the guests have long since lost interest in conversation. Wave-based forecasts, those arcane scribbles of financial soothsayers, suggest the corrective waltz is far from its final curtsey. How quaint, that even in decline, there is a rhythm to be observed!