Cryptonews

The current price—a fleeting illusion, of course—stands at $3,870.03, up a paltry 1.14% in the last twenty-four hours. A month ago? A rather more stimulating 57.15% increase. One must, however, approach these numbers with a healthy dose of skepticism, and perhaps a small glass of something bracing. They claim the ‘fundamentals’ and ‘on-chain’ metrics are ‘aligning.’ Ah, yes, alignment. A beautifully vague word. I, for one, shall attempt to ‘decode’ this short-term price ‘analysis,’ with the full understanding that any prediction is, at best, an exercise in elegant futility. 🎭

It appears the hackers, those digital magicians, hacked his credentials with all the subtlety of a bull in a china shop, installing malware that turned Agarwal’s official laptop into a Trojan horse. Yes, somewhere between coffee breaks and email chains, someone’s private agenda got a bit *too* personal.

In a missive dated July 31, the soothsayer of CryptoQuant, one CoinCare, pondered the Market Value to Realized Value ratio—now 2.2, creeping toward its 365-day MA. History, that unreliable narrator, claims such convergence precedes rallies. The metric allegedly ascends to overvaluation zones (~3.7), where bulls don golden horns and bears flee screaming. 🐂

The XRP supply isn’t just dumped like your ex’s stuff on the lawn – oh no, it’s released monthly like a fine wine… or more accurately, like your Amazon subscription to questionable T-shirts. 😅 With all these “serious business” partnerships with banks (who knew banks still existed?), demand might actually go up! Who needs dog memes when you’ve got… banking compliance? (Mel Brooks did musicals about more exciting things, but we’ll take it!)

“We do believe in accumulation,” Hines cooed, with the gravitas of a man explaining arithmetic to a toddler. When pressed on whether this mythical reserve actually exists, he replied, “We have it. It’s been established.” Oh, well, that settles it. No need for pesky details like, say, *evidence*. 🎩💼

The driving force behind this meteoric rise is none other than the growth of Ethena’s native stablecoin, USDe, whose circulating supply has now ballooned to $7.54 billion. This surge has been accompanied by a 50% increase in Ethena’s Total Value Locked (TVL) in July alone. The impact of StablecoinX’s $260M buyback, initiated on July 21, continues to ripple through the market, with approximately 8% of the supply expected to be removed from circulation by the end of August. Ah, the sweet scent of scarcity! 🌸

Oh, what a glorious summer it was for Robinhood, the digital cowboy of Wall Street, as it galloped into Q2 2025 with a revenue leap so high, it might’ve made a hawk weep. A 45% jump, $989 million in gold coins clinking in its pockets, and the crypto division? Why, it was a firework show … Read more

Japan is playing it cool with its monetary policy, like that one friend who insists on “keeping things chill” even when everyone else is panicking. Meanwhile, a Korean court sentenced a Chinese scammer who thought laundering money through USDT was a good idea. Spoiler: It wasn’t. And Trump? Oh, he’s got a one-page plan for a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. One page. That’s shorter than most people’s grocery lists. Let’s unpack this dumpster fire, shall we?

According to a July 31 report by Yahoo Finance (yes, they’re still around), this marks a 98% year-over-year increase. Impressive, right? But let’s not forget the 36% quarterly dip, because the crypto market is basically a moody teenager. 🌪️

But darling, August is here, and suddenly, SOL’s looking a bit… deflated. Like a balloon at a vegan birthday party 🎈🌱. Investors are doing the crypto shuffle—selling faster than you can say “tax implications.” And who can blame them? Everyone loves locking in gains like they’re locking their ex’s Netflix password.