🤑 Tempo Blockchain: $5B Valuation – Capitalism’s New Playground? 🤑

Behold, the payment-optimized blockchain, Tempo, birthed by the unholy alliance of Stripe and Paradigm, has siphoned $500 million from the pockets of the gullible. Thrive Capital and Greenoaks led the charge, joined by Sequoia, Ribbit, and SV Angel. Stripe and Paradigm, the masterminds, stood aside, perhaps too busy counting their existing fortunes. 💼

Ether Overlords: The Great Treasury Heist 🏦🔥

Since the great liquidation of last weekend-a calamity so severe it would make even a Soviet grain planner weep-BitMine has quietly amassed 379,271 Ether. That’s nearly $1.5 billion in ethereal promises (😭), acquired in three neat little installments as if buying potatoes at a collective farm: 202,037 after the crash, 104,336 on Thursday (perhaps during tea break), and 72,898 on Saturday-because, why not? Sunday was already ruined by reality.