Cryptonews

The year began almost charmed: XRP, like a careworn student suddenly favored by a stern governess, flirted with its January highs. Victories in dusty American courts—against the stony U.S. SEC no less!—gave cause for hope and even a muted celebration. Partnerships blossomed. Were we fools to imagine peace? Alas, global drama cares little for crypto dreams. Just as the samovar boils at the most inopportune moment, so too did the world’s agitation send XRP tumbling, down to an ignoble $1.91 before pulling itself up by its own bootstraps (or whatever digital assets use for boots these days) to exchange glances with $2.28—stubborn as any Russian checkpoint.

In a union more tantalizing than Orgon’s marriage to Elmire, Cardano has clasped hands with none other than Techstars—a court famed for giving succor to those who tinker endlessly with code and dreams. Together they present the noble Project Catalyst, a pre-accelerator so global in reach that even your great Aunt might apply by accident. Pray, do mark your calendars from October through December! That’s nearly two whole acts!

Nothing says “confidence” like shoving $101 million into a bunch of numbers on a screen. Grant Cardone, who apparently never met a risk he didn’t want to buy dinner, mixed real estate and Bitcoin, calling it the “two best-in-class assets”—which is bold, coming from a man who once tried to sell everything at a ten-times markup.

They say, with the dreaminess reserved for spring evenings, the joining of Columbus Circle Capital and ProCap will yield ProCap Financial Inc., who shall emerge into daylight with $1 billion worth of Bitcoin. Yes, $1 billion, as if one could trade those imaginary coins for a bowl of borscht at grandmother’s. The merger is expected before year’s end, unless, of course, the world ends first—for such things have been known to happen.

Our dear friend Bitcoin, always the drama queen, took a flying leap down to $98,286.21, frightening investors who were probably already hiding under their desks. But, to everyone’s outrageously stunned relief, it rebounded with the style of a cat who’s just realized it’s landed in the bath, scraping its way heroically back to $103,000. All this, and it’s still hogging 65% of the crypto market—because of course it is.

The bean-counters say they paid $106,408 per “coin.” (Insert stunned gasps, several monocles hitting the marble floor.) Bitcoin, never one to miss a dramatic entrance or a spectacular pratfall, has wobbled its price down more than 5% this week, like a tipsy wizard distracted by butterflies.

SCENE I. Enter HIVE Digital, puffed up with pride, quill in hand and dreams in pocket, tripping gaily into Toronto with a 7.2-megawatt data center tucked, perhaps awkwardly, beneath its arm—the crowning jewel for its newly-minted scion, BUZZ HPC (a name so peppy, one almost expects it to tap dance).

Yesterday, XRP was down 2.18%, which is stacking itself nicely atop a full 7.93% plunge since June 19—back when we were all young, optimistic, and XRP was still at $2.17. At one point it even grazed $1.90. Panic stations! 🚨 (Or just more tweets with rocket emojis going the wrong way…)

When Milei strode to power in the elections of 2023, he did not do so with the melodious croon of a poet nor the cloak of subtlety Tolstoy’s villains favored. He arrived wielding not one, but many metaphysical chainsaws, slicing away government extravagance with a zeal most reserve for cutting birthday cakes, or possibly old grudges. His program—cheekily titled the ‘Chainsaw Cuts’—has proved more competent than a bored tax collector, banishing bureaucratic excess and shining a spotlight (albeit flickering and prone to blackouts) on the nation’s chronic waste.

Of course, as in any small Russian town, the people with real money strolled onto stage. Trading volume burst upwards by 118%—an outburst rarely seen outside of marriage proposals or vodka shortages. According to Lookonchain, which sees all but tells little, on June 23 two anonymous whales decided, in their infinite wisdom, to buy 16 million IP tokens for $47.5 million. Is it investing, or just boredom at its most expensive? Only the whales know.