The integration, revealed July 24th (because who doesn’t love a good midsummer surprise), is all about the tech from the Ink Foundation. Kraken says this move is for “new onchain use cases”—which is crypto-speak for “we’re doing something that sounds fancy.” The INK token, from a subsidiary that’s probably in a different timezone, is meant for the Ink L2 ecosystem. Let the games begin! 🎲
First on the menu is the much-lauded The Age of Disclosure, which made its grand entrance at SXSW like a peacock flaunting its feathers. This cinematic gem boasts interviews with a smorgasbord of 34 former officials—yes, including the likes of Marco Rubio, Kirsten Gillibrand, and the illustrious Luis Elizondo—who brandish claims of an 80-year-old American cover-up involving UAPs and the alleged reverse-engineering of extraterrestrial contraptions! 🛸
Each share, cunningly priced at a mere $90 with a delightful 9% dividend, audibly echoes the clamor of institutional demand. Thus, we witness one of the most gargantuan crypto-related cash grabs by a publicly traded entity! It seems Strategy has firmly grasped the Bitcoin lifebuoy, pulling it in as a veritable treasure chest for its treasury. 💎
Hark! Bit Origin, that dashing purveyor of swine and Bitcoin, has rendered an audacious purchase of 40.5 million Dogecoins (DOGE) for its glittering crypto treasury. Could this be the curtailment of despair and the heralding of a rally beyond the mystical realm of $0.29? Or merely a jest from the fates? 🌈
Bailey’s rather audacious scenario hinges on this quaint little concept of concentration: if a gaggle of corporate balance sheets happens to acquire a significant share of staked ETH, he mused, perhaps equity-market shenanigans could take the place of actually, you know, buying tokens. He opened his thrilling theory with: “If enough ETH validators were owned by public Ethereum treasury companies (we’re talking around 20% of total ETH supply), you could launch a 51% attack on the public equities (yes, that’s a thing), and woosh—suddenly, you have governance over Ethereum! Congratulations, you’ve just transformed securities law into Ether’s new consensus mechanism. Grab a cupcake, it’s party time!” 🎉
Two days prior, the SEC, in a moment of uncharacteristic generosity, bestowed an “accelerated” approval upon Bitwise’s proposal, as if bestowing a golden ticket to the Willy Wonka of finance. 🍫🚀
Nine accounts, they say. Nine! Nine people who apparently didn’t have adequate security. What are they doing, using “password123”? It’s unbelievable. The team posted something on…X? What is X even anymore? Just a bunch of noise. They said they “contained” it. Contained it! Like it was a little spill! 🤦♂️
Apparently, if you were a claimant as of August 15th, you might – and I stress might – see a few funds reappearing. They’ve already managed to return about $6.2 billion, which, while sounding impressive, is likely a drop in the ocean compared to the entire mess. One feels almost sorry for the accountants involved; a task more Herculean than cleaning the Augean stables, I suspect.
One was initially led to believe this token possessed a certain je ne sais quoi, attracting the attention of the masses. How quickly the fickle public loses its enthusiasm! Skepticism, that most tiresome of virtues, has reared its head, and the token’s price is struggling to recall its early, fleeting glories. Oh, the tragedy! 🎭
