Over the past week, you’ve splurged $2.46 billion on Bitcoin, making it your third-largest purchase. Third-largest! 🥉 That’s like buying a third yacht when you already have two, but for Bitcoin. Priorities, right? 🚀
Before this brave new cadence, crypto was as welcome as a cat in a crocodile pond: effectively illegal, with clear notes about how crypto wasn’t legal tender-just a rebellious digital ghost haunting their shores. Now, in 2025, they’re wooing the blockchain crowd with licenses, regulations, and the faint but unmistakable whiff of ambition. 🐱🌊
O wretched kiosks! Behold, the new frontier of criminal enterprise! The U.S. Department of the Treasury’s Financial Crimes Enforcement Network (FinCEN), that vigilant guardian of fiscal virtue, has issued a notice on Aug. 4, warning that these so-called “crypto ATMs” are now the preferred tool of transnational scoundrels. 🧠 These devices, which promise the magic of fiat-to-digital alchemy, are being exploited by gangs of thieves to spirit away ill-gotten gains with the swiftness of a startled squirrel! 🐿️
Krüger, ever the romantic, likened this latest plunge to the 2024 “August crash,” which conveniently bottomed on a Monday. How delightfully predictable markets can be when viewed through the lens of hindsight! “I see the current move as a smaller scale replay,” he mused late Friday, adding that he would “be looking to add to longs on Monday” if panic persisted overnight. A classic shakeout, you say? How quaintly convenient for those brave enough to dip their toes into the icy waters of digital despair.
The SlowMist Blockchain Hacked Incident Database, a rather morbid collection of unfortunate events, recorded 13 significant hacks in July, resulting in a loss of around $140 million. Meanwhile, the Dune anti-scam platform, aptly named Scam Sniffer, received over 9,000 reports of phishing victims, who collectively lost about $7 million. It seems the scammers were busier than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs!
The shift arrived just after LetsBonk unleashed a deluge of rewards for creators, which prompted a mass migration of meme token hopefuls that would make even the Pied Piper envious. Some weeks, over 80% of new Solana meme tokens emerge from its platform, marching into exchanges with the confidence of rubber ducks at a dog show.
Source – genians.co.kr
The missing statue of Bitcoin creator Satoshi Nakamoto has been found. Workers from the city of Lugano, Switzerland, recovered it from Lake Lugano. It was stolen on August 2, one day after the celebrations of the Swiss National Day. The police confirmed that unknown individuals had stolen the statue by forcefully removing it from its base in Parco Ciani. As a result, the authorities launched an investigation into the well-known lakeside park to identify those responsible. 🕵️♂️🔍
Behold, the weekly chart: Ethereum, like a gladiator, breaks free from the chains of a Descending Broadening Wedge, only to retest its former prison’s walls. Here, the pundit Gert van Lagen, a modern-day Nostradamus, insists this is not chaos but choreography. The 79% projected ascent? A statistical jest, perhaps, but one that dances on the edge of reason. “History repeats,” he intones, as if the market were a Greek tragedy. Yet, when Bitcoin once wore the same pattern, it soared to $230,000—a feat that now seems less prophecy and more collective madness. 🤯
It seems everyone with a keyboard and an opinion is betting on whether the U.S. central bank will cave to Trump’s pressure. Remember, this is the guy who’s been publicly roasting Powell like a Thanksgiving turkey for not lowering rates fast enough. The last time the Fed trimmed rates was December 18, 2024—yes, I had to Google that too—and now Trump is acting like it’s been decades. “Lower them faster!” he cries, as if the federal funds rate is some kind of overpriced avocado toast.
