On a sunny Wednesday, July 30th, the Fed announced that they were sticking to their guns—they weren’t budging from their rate. This is the fifth time they’ve said, “Nope, not today,” despite Trump’s relentless nagging to cut those interest rates like a desperate barber!
As per a report from The Rage, the duo swapped their “innocent until proven guilty” hats for “guilty pleasure” ones, trading serious money-laundering charges (which could’ve landed them 25 years in a very damp cell) for a slap on the wrist and a side of fines. Rodriguez now owes the U.S. Treasury $250,000, while Hill’s tab totals $400,000. Both agreed to hand over a jaw-dropping $237 million—a generous donation to the government’s piggy bank—to avoid a potential five-year nap in a federal nap pod. 🛌🚫
As of today, the ten grandmasters of Bitcoin mining—Foundry, Antpool, ViaBTC, F2pool, MARA Pool, Spider Pool, SEC Pool, Luxor, Binance Pool, and Braiins Pool—lord over the network like a pack of wolves in a blockchain forest. Foundry, the self-proclaimed king of the hill, wields 30.88% of the hashrate and guards a hoard of 772.652 BTC (down from 2,000 BTC in March 2024—what a generous mood swing!). Coinbase, that ever-faithful squire, flanks Foundry in its financial escapades.
While Bitget Wallet experts, with their crystal balls and spreadsheets, boldly predict a $10,000 target for Ethereum (ETH), Standard Chartered chimes in with a prediction that companies might soon own 10% of all Ether. 🏦 A tenfold increase, they say, with the gravitas of a man who’s just discovered fire. 🔥
With the grandeur of a Cossack ballad, Coinbase announced their partnership via a tweet and a blog post, declaring their intent to “bridge tradfi to crypto.” The trio of new features? Let’s call it a love letter to the 80 million souls who’ve entrusted Coinbase with their digital dreams. Or their savings. Depends on the market. 🤷♂️
As I pen these words, the FORM price stands proudly at $3.78, a figure that, while modest, carries the weight of a 613.43% surge in 24-hour volume to a staggering $61.79 billion. With a market capitalization now resting at $1.44 billion, FORM has not only captured the hearts of many but also the wallets, as it continues its ascent within a rising price channel. This dramatic rise, much like a grand opera, is filled with crescendos of investor interest and the undercurrents of cautious optimism. 🎵💼
Ethereum (ETH), the overachieving younger sibling, is up over 1%, insisting that it’s heading for $4,000, if only Bitcoin would get out of the bathroom. XRP is bouncing up by 0.6%. Solana is down over 1%, around $181, and Dogecoin (DOGE) is down a little, probably because Elon’s Twitter fingers are busy elsewhere. Cardano (ADA) is drifting at $0.787—which sounds impressive until you realize that’s not even a good tip at a New York coffee shop. Stellar, Chainlink, Hedera, and Polkadot also sported that “declining stocks” look. On the bright side, Litecoin and Toncoin are up, waving from their ski lodge in Switzerland. 🏔️
In a Truth Social post that screams “I’m still relevant, guys!” Trump took another swing at Fed Chair Jerome Powell. Because, you know, what’s a day in politics without a good old-fashioned feud? 🤺
Yet, amid this inferno of destruction, the price of SHIB chose not to soar but instead plummeted with all the grace of a drunken peasant falling off his cart—down 11.11% in just two days. Truly, the gods of irony must have been chuckling at such a spectacle. It seems that while some burned their tokens in hopes of future riches, others watched their investments turn to ash before their very eyes.
In the shade of glass towers, JPMorgan & Chase shakes hands with Coinbase. Out crawls a shiny new promise that Chase card holders, come autumn, can fill their Coinbase wallets as easy as tying their boots. Never before has a bank of this stature grinned at crypto, but here we are—shocking Grandma and Wall Street in one fell swoop. 🤠