In a recent X post, Ethereum co-founder Vitalik Buterin announced that Ethereum is undergoing a transformation-not just in speed, but in its very soul. PeerDAS has hit the mainnet, and ZK-EVMs have reached performance levels worthy of a Broadway show, even if they’re still in rehearsal. 🎬
Ripple divulged, with all the subtlety of Proust’s memories, that the venerable David Schwartz, whose tenure outlasted several of our era’s bitcoins, has indeed retired to a less quotidian pastime. As of the end of December 2025, his work-life metamorphosis led him to adopt the appellation CTO Emeritus.
So, “safe havens” became the buzzword du jour. Everyone’s running around like, “Where’s the lifeboat?!” And wouldn’t you know it-gold (XAU), that old grandpa of assets, dusts off his orthopedic shoes and sprints up 65% to $4,500. A record! Grandpa’s got moves! 💃👴
Kiyosaki, ever the Cassandra of capitalism, spent the year sketching a grim portrait of global markets teetering on the edge of disaster. His dire predictions, delivered with the gravitas of a man who’s seen it all (or at least written about it), painted 2026 as the year the house of cards finally collapses. And bitcoin? Well, bitcoin was his chosen lifeline.
Good ol’ Donald Trump (yeah, he’s still around) announced that his Delta Force buddies pulled off a raid near Caracas, grabbed Maduro and his wife, and flew them out like it was a bad Netflix movie. 🎬 The operation was so quick, Maduro probably didn’t even finish his arepa. Meanwhile, Polymarket traders were like, “Cha-ching!” 💸
$76 million vanished across 26 incidents-a modest sum for the modern robber barons, but a drop in the ocean compared to November’s feast. The largest heist? A $50 million address-poisoning scam, where hackers played dress-up with wallet addresses like a digital game of “guess the password” (spoiler: it’s “I’m a scammer, duh”).
On the 6-hour chart shared by FLASH, AVAX has cleanly broken above a descending trendline that capped price action throughout December. This trendline had previously acted as dynamic resistance, rejecting multiple upside attempts before sellers lost control. 🕵️♂️📉
Meanwhile, the crypto market’s “resurgence” continues like a toddler on a sugar rush. Bitcoin (BTC) is flirting with $90k, up 1%, because apparently, $89,440 wasn’t dramatic enough. Ethereum (ETH), Ripple (XRP), Solana (SOL), and the entire cast of crypto tokens are trading in “positive territory”-a term we’ll define as “not down 90% today.” 🚀
But wait! The drama continues. Marathon Fusion tried to jazz up mercury into gold like it’s 5️⃣⃣ Demi Moore (if she’d picked better scripts). 🥁 Their “gold alchemy” would produce enough sparkle to fund a very* modest prince… if you ignore the fact that science can now basically print gold like it’s selling discount coins on Amazon. 🤨
This analyst, Burak Kesmeci – a name I fully expect to be mispronouncing at a cocktail party – noticed Bitcoin went up almost 4% since January 1st. Groundbreaking. He also says Americans are buying more of it. Which, again, doesn’t surprise me. America loves a hype cycle. He’s looking at “Coinbase premiums” which is basically how much extra US investors are willing to pay. Turns out, they’re still a little skeptical, which, honestly, good for them. 😌
