Donald Trump, that indomitable 80-year-old who once sold “Trump 2028” caps like they were last-minute tickets to Siberia, now languishes at 3% odds. The U.S. Constitution, that ancient parchment of restraint, seems to have outmaneuvered him. Yet his supporters, undeterred, pour $148k into the void, as if money could rewrite history. 🔄
“I follow the patterns of what’s happened in the past,” Theodorou intoned, as if channeling the ghost of a 14th-century monk who charted the rise and fall of empires with a quill dipped in Bitcoin. He foresees a cycle where Bitcoin ascends to new highs, then collapses like a soufflé, paving the way for altcoins to “catch up and do their little thing.” Imagine a cosmic ballet where Bitcoin pirouettes gracefully before tripping over its own tail, leaving altcoins to perform a drunken jig. 🦄
To herald this joyous occasion, an airdrop shall rain down like confetti at a wedding! Swapfone shall generously bestow 200 Pi tokens upon a fortunate ten users who regale us with tales of their mining exploits—how long has our dear community been questing for Pi before it boldly launched its mainnet? What a charming proposal! 🎉
Lo! A new rumor flits about: the notion that the odds of a settlement dancing into existence between Ripple and the SEC by the fateful date of August 15, 2025, lie somewhere between a gambling man’s blissful dream of 70% and the fear of failure at 90%! 🎲 Supporters are convinced that Judge Analisa Torres’ earlier musings have tied the SEC in knots, leaving them scrambling. According to this tale, what remains is but a final report from the SEC, a document of such weight that it could mend a thousand broken hearts—or at least this one case!
Global crypto exchange MEXC (yes, them again) has apparently solved the “problem” of actually using a brokerage account by letting you gamble on U.S. stocks with USDT instead. No fees! No paperwork! Just pure, unfiltered financial delusion straight from your phone while you ignore your Tinder matches.
Ethereum’s price is like that friend who claims they’re “sober” but is definitely just tipsy on FOMO. It surged past $3,720, outshining Bitcoin, which is still stuck in its “I’m the OG” phase. 🐺
The grand announcement, made on Tuesday, following a public consultation, calls for a ban that extends beyond just government departments to encompass all public sector bodies and vital national infrastructure, including energy, health services, and local councils. It’s like telling the pirates of the digital seas, “No more treasure for you!” 🏴☠️💰
According to sources (who, naturally, requested anonymity because adulting is hard), the unnamed CFPB bigwig is side-eyeing the agency’s own sabotage of Biden’s open banking rule. Turns out, repealing regulations without a plan is like inviting a dragon to a tea party—suddenly everyone’s paying for damages. Bloomberg reports the CFPB’s Acting Director, Russell Vought, is now begging a judge to ax the rule, claiming banks have a “right” to charge fees for APIs. 🤦♂️
In a shocking twist 🤯, a press release dropped like a bad habit. PNC will now offer “digital asset services” while Coinbase gets… banking? Sounds like a marriage made in bureaucratic heaven. CaaS? No, not “Caribbean as a Service”—Crypto-as-a-Service! 📚💥 A masterpiece of corporate jargon.
Let’s rewind to July 13 and 14, when bitcoin flirted with its all-time high like it was auditioning for a rom-com. Suddenly, spot trading went full-on Black Friday chaos. Binance’s bitcoin spot volume skyrocketed from $3.1 billion to $8.4 billion—nearly tripling overnight. Meanwhile, other exchanges were busy patting themselves on the back for their measly 2.6x growth. Kudos to Julio Moreno, head of research at cryptoquant.com, for crunching these numbers so I didn’t have to.
