Cryptonews

DOGE’s 0.35% Rise: A Small Step for Man, a Giant Leap for Bots! 🤖📈 But hey, every journey starts with a single step-assuming you don’t fall off a cliff. 🏔️

At this moment, SHIB hovers around $0.0000087, a market cap just over $5.1 billion. It sits in the lower reaches of the top twenty, where the difference between ranks is thinner than a rumor in a tavern. In this theater, a single directional shove can redraw the cast without any grand rally shaking the stage.

Enter the oracle known as Doctor Profit, who cautions that the dominant cryptocurrency could still wade into the 70,000 zone, pointing to a sudden, gargantuan injection of liquidity by the U.S. Federal Reserve as a red cape to a very excited bull. The suggestion: the liquidity wand might frighten other risk assets into behaving badly. 🪄💸

Putting it all together, rewrite each paragraph with Wodehouse’s flair, inject humor and sarcasm, add emojis, and ensure the structure is correct. Also, check that all

Tether, the crypto equivalent of a “I’m Not Like Other Stablecoins” Instagram post, has teamed up with the UN to make Africa’s crypto market safer. Because nothing says “trust us” like a global organization and a company that’s basically just a digital version of a piggy bank. 🤯 Interpol just found $260 million in crypto … Read more

But wait, there’s more! VanEck’s wizards of finance also predict Bitcoin will settle up to 10% of global trade and cozy up to 2.5% of central bank reserves as the ultimate monetary hedge. Because, you know, who needs gold when you can have digital gold? 🏦✨

Michaël van de Poppe, our resident market oracle, has noted that Bitcoin’s recent escapade has triggered a new low on the 3-day MACD indicator. He grandly declared this drop “was heavier than the 2022 Luna crash, the 2020 COVID crash, or the 2018 bear market.” Well, one can only hope he was not speaking from experience!

Cambodian authorities recently extradited billionaire Chen Zhi to China to face charges for a massive crypto scam. 🤝⚖️

According to the wise sages at CryptoQuant, our esteemed crypto exchanges-those temples of speculation-have witnessed a most dramatic exodus from futures contracts. Three years, they say! Three years since such disgrace! Binance leads this parade of despair with a loss of 1.53 million BTC, followed by Bybit’s 784,000 BTC, Gate’s 505,000 BTC, and OKX’s 395,000 BTC. Mon dieu!

The controversial pundit has reacted to the White House’s latest move to inject liquidity into the U.S. housing market. 🏠💰 (Because nothing says “I’m in charge” like a little mortgage magic.)