Onchain data, as if narrated by a particularly smug butler, reveals the project amassed 4.91 million WLFI ($1.01 million) and $1.06 million in fees, only to squander the lot on repurchasing 6.04 million tokens. A feat of financial alchemy: money spent to spend more money. 🪙
Kraken Stays Focused, Follows $500M Raise With New Funding
Back in the dreary January of 2024, Vanguard pronounced, with the air of a headmaster issuing a decree, that cryptocurrency held no place in a sensible portfolio. Volatility, you see! Unsustainability! Such vulgar displays of speculative enthusiasm. Honestly, the horror.
Despite the gloom, there were whispers of inflows reaching $21.75 million, and liquidation clusters above $2.65-hints at a clandestine plot, perchance, to ascend toward $2.80 and beyond to $2.90.
In a post so sardonic it could double as a cocktail recipe, the crypto kingpin skewered the EU’s plan to force tech firms to scan private chats for “illegal content.” “You see, my dear politicians, if you make backdoors for the bobbies, the hackers will *inevitably* crash the party. It’s not a ‘if’-it’s a ‘when.’” 🕵️♂️💥
Gold is having a glow-up, and Bitcoin’s like, “Wait, I’m still here!” 🌟
The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) published details of a Crypto Task Force meeting held on Sept. 25 with Van Eck Associates Corp. (Vaneck), underscoring the growing attention to regulatory treatment of digital assets. The dialogue reflected industry efforts to ensure rules keep pace with innovations in exchange-traded products (ETPs) and tokenized funds. Vaneck, which managed $132.9 billion in assets as of June 30, 2025, used the meeting to highlight areas where regulatory clarity could shape future market development. 🧠💸
Breaking News: Dubai’s Royal Family Just Got a Seat at the TikTok Table (And It’s Not for the Reason You Think) 🎤👑. MGX, a fund so wealthy it could buy a small country, is now 15% owner of TikTok’s U.S. business. Because nothing says “American control” like a billionaire prince and a database company. 🤡
Ah, Theta Capital Management-nestled in tolerant Amsterdam, it dreams big. The firm proposes to amass a princely sum of $200 million for its latest endeavor in the realm of blockchain. Yes, dear reader, the name of this fund is as catchy as an earworm from the local canals: Theta Blockchain Ventures V. In this digital age, where silence can speak volumes, the cryptocurrency world may seem quiet, but never fear! Theta has its eyes peeled for untold opportunities lurking just beneath the surface.
Oh, what irony! Though its value sinks like a lead balloon, the pulse of Ethereum beats fiercely on the blockchain. A recent missive from the great oracle of Coin Bureau reveals that the balance of ETH on these centralized platforms has plummeted to depths reminiscent of a long-forgotten treasure trove. One might say it’s time for a digital pirate’s inventory check! 🏴☠️
