Take Tether, for instance. Bo Hines, the chap in charge of their U.S. arm, has grand plans to stuff Tether into the top 10 U.S. Treasury holders. Why? Because 83.11% of their reserves are already in T-bills, of course! It’s like deciding to buy more umbrellas when you already own a raincoat factory. Brilliant, really.
On-chain data confirms February 5 will be remembered as a historic day of pain for anyone who bought a coin and secretly hoped for a happy ending.
It all began on the fateful day of February 9, when a certain X user named Bram Kanstein, who I can only assume has an affinity for quarreling over historical minutiae, contended that XRP’s early “genesis reset” – a curious event where they decided to treat the 32,750th XRP block as a starting point – was akin to a declaration of centralized power. “May I present to you,” he said, “the genesis of centralized ‘CrYpTO’!” Such drama! One could almost hear the gasps of the audience.
On the daily tableau, our heroine remains ensnared within a descending channel, her price a prisoner beneath the tyrannical sway of the 100-day and 200-day moving averages. These once-benevolent guides have turned into harbingers of doom, their downward slope a mocking gesture to her aspirations. The recent collapse below the $2.4K bastion accelerated her fall, a dramatic denouement that confirmed her tragic trajectory toward the $1.8K precipice. Yet, even here, she finds a fleeting moment of solace, as buyers, those loyal yet deluded admirers, rally to defend this historical bulwark. But let us not be fooled-her current perch at $2K is but a fleeting respite, a mere prelude to the next act in this interminable saga.
Ah, the Bitcoin exchange-traded funds! They have not merely flounced into the limelight; they have pirouetted with the grace of a prima ballerina as BlackRock’s iShares Bitcoin Trust ($IBIT) gallantly crossed the magical threshold of $100 billion in assets. How droll it is that this milestone was achieved in the blink of an eye-about 400 days, to be precise!
Now, recent data appears to throw its hat into the ring with great fanfare. According to our friends at the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the U.S. managed to add a whopping 130k jobs in January, which is far more than the paltry 55k we were all nervously anticipating. Meanwhile, the unemployment rate decided to play nice and drop to 4.3%, shattering forecasts of 4.4% like a piñata at a poorly organized birthday party.
In a move that has all the subtlety of a rhinoceros on roller skates, Alameda Research-sister firm of the now-mothballed FTX crypto exchange-has generously tossed $15 million in SOL to its creditors as part of their latest financial episode. This charming little distribution marks the 21st month of their ongoing saga, sending funds to 25 lucky addresses as if they were handing out party favors.
The weeklong orgy of algorithms unfolded on the digital plains of Moltbook and Openclaw, where AI agents, unburdened by human frailty, toiled in silence. Their prize? A paltry $30,000 in USDC-a sum that, in the grand scheme of existential dread, is but a drop in the ocean of our impending obsolescence.
But wait! On-chain activity and exchange metrics are throwing a party for the Hyperliquid decentralized exchange (DEX). They’re gaining market share like it’s going out of style, while HYPE’s price is dipping faster than my hopes of winning the lottery. Can the mighty $25 hold strong like a stubborn mule? Or will it just crumble like a cookie in a toddler’s hand?