In a twist that’s more surprising than finding a stablecoin that actually stays stable, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon has done a 180 on crypto. The guy who once scoffed at Bitcoin like it was a fad diet has now admitted, “Crypto is real. Blockchain is real. Stablecoins are real.” 🏦🔗 Yes, Jamie, we’ve been trying to tell you that for years. Better late than never, I suppose.
As if that wasn’t enough of a catastrophe to thrill the jesters, multiple security firms-from PeckShield to the delightful Mikko Ohtamaa-are racing against the clock, reporting that Balancer and its charming little doppelgängers are under attack. The losses? Rubbing shoulders with the billions-well, approximately $128.64 million, but who’s counting? Certainly not the hackers, apparently. 🕵️♂️💰
According to the scribes at Matrixport, the institutional appetite for ETH has withered like a flower in winter. BitMine, that enigmatic entity, is proclaimed the “only consistent buyer” of the token. The ETH ETFs, once the darlings of October, have performed with all the vigor of a man condemned to Siberia. 🥶
As for Altcoins, they plunged like autumn leaves in a playful windfall, their values oscillating between 5% and 10% as traders seemingly played musical chairs, returning to the steadfast embrace of Bitcoin in the waltz of macro uncertainty. The coming week stands poised, an eager prima donna, with both economic annals and blockchain narratives converging. 📚
The token did, for a fleeting moment, attempt to reach for the heavens, achieving a peak of $1.26 before, alas, succumbing to gravity and descending slightly. As of this very instant, it trades at $1.05, a nine percent improvement over yesterday – a paltry sum, considering the initial excitement, wouldn’t you agree? Still, it remains a shadow of its former self, diminished by ten percent over a week and a lamentable fifty percent over a full month. A melancholy tale indeed. 😔
Bill 458/21, approved by Brazil’s National Congress on October 29, is the government’s latest attempt to say, “Yes, we know you have that Bitcoin. And no, we’re not letting you pretend it’s just a ‘hobby.’” The REARP plan (Special Regime for Asset Update and Regularization) is basically a bureaucratic buffet where you can declare your unreported assets-real estate, crypto, etc.-but only if you’re okay with paying half of their value as a tax and the other half as a fine. It’s like a 50/50 raffle, but the only prize is legal clarity and a nagging sense of regret.
Centrist MP Jean-Paul Matteï, the hero with a pencil, trotted out this brilliant idea on October 22, and the beloved National Assembly-yes, the same folks who brought you the French fries and the Eiffel Tower-gave it a thumbs-up, 163-150! It was a close call, folks-closer than your grandma’s bingo night. Now, of course, it’s gotta go through the usual hoops: Senate, budget, more hoop-jumping, and maybe a little French wine. 🍷
Meanwhile, Canary Capital, because why not add another filing to their already impressive resume, has updated its S-1 filing for a spot Solana ETF. So, that’s happening. Meanwhile, over at Bitwise, their fourth S‑1 amendment added a tiny 0.34% fee, and-hold your applause-an NYSE listing. Oh, and guess what? Experts are suddenly whispering that XRP might actually be getting closer to its big debut. Let’s call it the “calm before the storm,” shall we? 🌪️
XRP is doing its best impersonation of a tightly wound bobblehead-stuck between $2.30 and $2.70. Support’s hanging around $2.30-$2.40, resistance sneering at $2.60-$2.70. Not much happening except a lot of sideways dancing. The weekly charts are whispering “bearish divergence” – basically, the market’s moaning, “Can’t go up, can’t go down, just stuck in limbo.”
In a world where optimism is a sin, Ethereum’s price has returned to its natural habitat: the bearish zone. Like Bitcoin’s tragic twin, it now limps below $3,880, clutching Fibonacci retracements like a drowning man clutches driftwood. The 61.8% Fib level, once a beacon, now mocks with its indifference. Even the hourly chart’s rising channel has betrayed it, spilling secrets to short-sellers.
