Cryptonews

In a rather riveting missive on X-because apparently, the English language has run out of letters-CryptoQuant’s community analyst, the intrepid Maartunn, has revealed that the illustrious “Bull Score Index” has decided to undergo a transformation post-haste, courtesy of Bitcoin’s recent price hiccup. This index is as crucial as a soufflé recipe: it dictates the culinary phase of the cryptocurrency market based on a hodgepodge of key on-chain metrics.

On Aug. 28, ZachXBT decided to gift the internet another chapter in the never-ending saga of crypto drama. While responding to a desperate plea from Miguel Morales-a poor soul who lost $33,000 to a scammer-Zach didn’t just decline to help. Oh no, he went full diva. He declared that he wouldn’t assist the XRP community because, well, they’re apparently useless. His exact words? Hold onto your monocles:

Bitwise Files Form S-1 with SEC to List Chainlink Spot ETF | Source: SEC.gov | Aug 26, 2025

The roadmap promises a series of “software upgrades” (read: technical jargon for “we’re pretending to innovate”), including partner fee shares, scale orders, and TWAPs. All aimed at reducing latency. Because nothing says “trust us” like cutting processing times. 🧠⏱️

Ah, these analysts, like priests of a lost faith, point to patterns-dual bullish patterns, no less-marking a supposed reversal from the abyss of despair. They speak of lows formed during a dripping downpour of doubt, higher lows like the faint echoes of hope lingering after a storm-test after test of the neckline, a battleground of market sentiment. Such drama! 💥

For years, poor American projects were banished to the regulatory wilderness, forced to seek refuge offshore like exiled nobles in a Gogol novel. Now, the CFTC, with a flourish of its quill, beckons them back-but only if they play by the rules, of course. 🎭🇺🇸

At press time, Bitcoin (BTC) was trading at $112,645 – up a modest 3.7% from its lowest point this month. Ethereum (ETH) and Solana were just chilling, doing absolutely nothing noteworthy, while the total market cap of all tokens hovered around $3.9 trillion. Quite the rollercoaster, isn’t it? 🎢

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Ah, the winds of fortune seem to favor ether! For the fifth day in a row, investors have flocked to ether ETFs, showering them with $309.48 million in fresh inflows. This streak, now stretching across a full trading week, serves as a testament to ether’s growing allure for both institutional and retail investors alike-who knew they had such taste?

Arkham’s data shows inflows like 22.47B, 38.39B… okay, I’m just reading the numbers like they’re grocery receipts. Imagine buying groceries and your cart totals 22.47 billion SHIB. Wild, right? 🛒 The largest single purchase? $1.28 million. For what? A lifetime supply of “I’m a Doge” mugs? 🤷‍♂️