Cryptonews

Our stalwart tokens, Bitcoin (BTC) and Ethereum (ETH), have held their ground with the tenacity of a bear in hibernation, undeterred by the tumultuous waves of global macroeconomic pressures and the internal squabbles of volatility. While the short-term fluctuations continue to dance about like a lively waltz, the broader market exhibits signs of stabilization, buoyed by the accumulation of whales and the shifting tides of liquidity.

Lo! His words come hot on the heels of a revelation from the learned gentlemen of Microsoft, who have uncovered a list most dire of forty roles most susceptible to the iron grip of automation—roles that flourish within the realm of cryptocurrency and beyond. Yet Monsieur Sacks, with a twinkle in his eye, denieth such alarms, asserting that the narrative of job destruction is but a potion brewed with exaggeration and folly. 🍵

The Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) has decided to spice things up and launched the “Crypto Sprint” (sounds like a marathon but for your digital assets). Announced by Acting Chairman Caroline D. Pham, because she clearly likes to make things lively, this move aims to slap a cure-all label on the President’s Working Group report—like giving it a much-needed caffeine boost. The goal? Make the U.S. the boss of digital assets. Yep, America’s back on the blockchain throne! 🇺🇸✨

There was a recent whisper from the wise MrD Indicators, a brave attempt to catch a falling star—or, more accurately, a plummeting coin—setting an entry at the ludicrous range of $830.6 to $845.47. Targets were laid out like breadcrumbs on a wolf’s path, and stop-losses placed at $907.02, so the trader’s hopes could be dashed mercilessly. And dash they did—each target shattered with cruel precision, unleashing a modest harvest of 163.70%—a number that stings like a slap when you realize it’s just a flicker amidst the darkness.

Meanwhile, IBM struts onto the scene with its Blue Jay, promising to assemble over 2,000 qubits by 2033—because nothing screams “fun” like quantum chaos knocking on the blockchain’s door. Elon, with his usual calm, asks Grok: how risky is it really? The AI, with all the confidence of a cat ignoring a bath, says it’s probably nothing to worry about—at least until 2035, when the risks might creep up to 10% or so. Plenty of time to sip tea and pretend everything is fine, right?

The sculpture had not fled for ideological reasons—this isn’t Dostoevsky’s Russia, after all. No, it was yanked from its pedestal in Parco Ciani and tossed overboard by hands as unknown as the statue’s original subject. The lake, always eager for gossip, welcomed it without question.

Behind this jolly jamboree is the MemeX Liquidity Festival, slated for August 4, 2025—mark your calendars and hide your valuables! Organizers, in a fit of generous caprice, have promised on-chain rewards so secretive they’d make the Sphinx blush. It’s enough to turn even the most unsociable trader into a veritable Midas—well, for a few fleeting moments, at least.

In the first days of August, these aquatic giants collectively dropped over $400 million into ETH, shouting, “We believe in this digital magic pudding.” Apparently, confidence in the long-term future of their digital goldfish is a thing — or at least, it’s what they tell themselves as they watch their $300 million silverfish swim around in the deep end of Galaxy Digital’s OTC pool.

According to Arkham’s investigation, LuBian lost a whopping 127,426 BTC to hackers in December 2020. At the time, Bitcoin was trading around $27,000, which meant the hackers made off with a cool $3.5 billion. That’s like stealing a small country’s GDP! 🤑

The article, which originally originated from The Motley Fool (who are experts in making you feel like you’re missing the boat), suggests that XRP’s colossal market cap of $170 billion somehow means it’s less likely to explode like a fireworks factory. Instead, it will amble along, growing methodically like that friend who insists “slow and steady wins the race”—except, you know, with billions of dollars involved.