Cannabis Stocks: A Millionaire’s Lament

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So, cannabis stocks. Five years ago, people were actually excited about these things. Now? It’s just… sad. They’ve underperformed, let’s just say. And now, suddenly, there’s a little buzz about potential federal changes in the U.S. It’s like finding a slightly less-expired yogurt in the back of the fridge – doesn’t mean it’s good, just less offensively bad. Everyone’s acting like this is some major turning point. It’s not. It’s a potential turning point. Huge difference. And now everyone wants to talk about “millionaire-maker” stocks. Seriously?

We’re supposed to believe that Tilray Brands (TLRY 0.76%) and Canopy Growth (CGC +2.14%) are going to make someone rich? It’s insulting, frankly. Like they’re going to magically fix everything. I mean, they’re companies. They sell… stuff. And now we’re attaching dreams to them. It’s just… a lot.

Canopy Growth: The Slightly Less Terrible Option?

Canopy Growth, okay, they’re in Canada. They make… things. Dried flower, vapes, edibles. Very creative. They also have a foothold in the U.S., which is good, I guess. It’s like they’re trying to be everywhere, which usually means they’re not very good at anything. And this Trump executive order, making cannabis Schedule III? It’s not a cure-all, people! It’s a bureaucratic shuffle. It doesn’t suddenly unlock a flood of investment. It just creates more paperwork. I swear, the amount of paperwork…

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Their financials? Let’s not even. Net revenue down a fraction of a percent? Okay. But a net loss per share of 13 cents is better than 81 cents? That’s like saying you tripped over a small pebble instead of falling into a ravine. It’s still a trip! And they expect us to get excited about this? If they can somehow, miraculously, capitalize on this U.S. opportunity and actually make a profit, then maybe, just maybe, there’s a glimmer of hope. But I’m not holding my breath. I’ve seen this movie before.

Tilray Brands: Diversification is Just a Fancy Word for “We Don’t Know What We’re Doing”

Tilray Brands, they’re trying to be everything to everyone. Cannabis, craft beer, hemp-based products. It’s exhausting just thinking about it. It’s like they’re throwing darts at a board and hoping something sticks. Diversification is fine, I guess, but it usually means they don’t have a core competency. They’re spread too thin. And now they’re one of the largest craft brewers in the U.S.? What does that even have to do with cannabis? It’s a distraction. A shiny object to keep investors from noticing the underlying problems.

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Their revenue grew 3%? Okay. Net loss fell to 41 cents from 99 cents? Slightly less bad. See a pattern here? They’re not fixing anything. They’re just marginally reducing the damage. And they think they can “capitalize on emerging opportunities”? It’s always “emerging opportunities.” It’s never actually happening. It’s always just around the corner.

The Verdict: Stay Away. Just… Stay Away.

Look, even if the U.S. federal situation changes – and that’s a big “if” – these companies are still going to face the same problems Canada did: regulatory hurdles, competition, oversupply. It’s a mess. A complete and utter mess. And everyone’s pretending it’s going to be different this time. It won’t be. It’s the same story, different day.

Tilray, if I absolutely had to pick one, is slightly less likely to implode immediately. They’re a little more diversified, a little more geographically spread out. But that’s not saying much. Neither of these is going to make anyone a millionaire. Let’s be realistic. These are risky investments, bordering on speculative. My advice? Find something else to do with your money. Anything else. Seriously. Go buy a sensible index fund. Or just… leave it under your mattress. It’ll be safer.

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2026-02-20 19:33