Bitmine’s ETH Hoard: 3.45% of Ethereum’s Supply-But Is It Enough to Survive the Next Bear Market? 🐻❄️💥

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In the quiet, dusty corners of Wall Street, where the air hums with the sighs of weary investors, Bitmine (NYSE: BMNR) has achieved the impossible: accumulating 4.17 million ETH, or 3.45% of Ethereum’s total supply. A feat! Or a folly? Only time will tell if this mountain of tokens will shelter them from the storm-or bury them whole. Of this hoard, 1.256 million ETH are staked, like digital lambs to the slaughter, generating rewards for the company. One wonders if the lambs whisper their gratitude.

The press release, dated Jan. 12, arrived like a telegram from a distant relative: urgent, cryptic, and laced with desperation. Chairman Thomas “Tom” Lee, a man who once dreamed of space travel but now counts decimals for a living, implores shareholders to vote YES on increasing authorized shares. The threshold? A precise 50.1% of outstanding shares. Such precision in a world of chaos! 🤡

🧵🪡Dear Shareholders, your participation is not a suggestion-it’s a plea. This company’s charter demands 50.1% of you to say YES. Fail, and the ETH hoard may crumble. Or not. No one knows. – Bitmine (@BitMNR) January 9, 2026

This vote, crucial as oxygen to a drowning man, fuels Tom Lee’s grand ambition: to swell Bitmine’s treasury to 5% of Ether’s supply. As of now, their $14 billion treasure chest includes 4.17 million ETH ($3,119 apiece), 193 BTC, a $23 million stake in Eightco Holdings (NASDAQ: ORBS)-“moonshots,” they call it-and $988 million in cash. A fortune! Or a albatross? Only the market knows. 🦜

Bitmine now ranks second in global treasuries, trailing only Michael Saylor’s Strategy (NASDAQ:MSTR), which hoarded 13,627 BTC at $91,519 each. A friendly rivalry, perhaps? Or a tragicomedy of one-upmanship? Meanwhile, BMNR trades like a caffeinated squirrel-$1.3 billion daily, five-day average. 🐿️

Lee’s vision? Stake most of that ETH. Why? To generate “daily staking fees exceeding $1 million,” using the CESR rate of 2.81%. A noble goal! Or a gambler’s delusion? Only the gods of finance can judge.

Bitmine’s MAVAN to Launch in 2026, Staking ETH

Behold: Bitmine has nearly doubled its staked ETH, adding 596,864 tokens in a week. “We stake more ETH than any entity,” Lee declared, as if boasting about a herd of digital sheep. Now, 30% of their holdings are staked, a figure that grows like mold in a damp cellar. 🧂

The Made in America Validator Network (MAVAN), set for Q1 2026, promises “secure staking infrastructure.” A fortress for ETH! Or a vault for hubris? At scale, Lee claims, staking fees could hit $374 million annually-or $1 million daily. A dream! Or a ledger entry waiting to implode. 🏰

“At scale… the staking fee is $374 million annual,” Lee proclaimed, as if reciting scripture. “MAVAN will be ‘best-in-class.’” One imagines a room full of validators sipping artisanal coffee, nodding solemnly. 📖☕

Meanwhile, Ethereum’s creator, Vitalik Buterin, muses on the protocol’s future-cementing its independence from developers. A noble quest! Or a futile attempt to tame the uncontrollable? Only time, that old jester, will laugh. 🎭

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2026-01-12 21:33