In the murky waters of financial notoriety, S&P Global Ratings has kindly bestowed a “B-” upon Michael Saylor’s darling, Strategy-yes, a grade usually reserved for the prom queen’s rebellious cousin or a dodgy used car. It’s officially in the “junk bond” neighborhood, where folks wave goodbye to safety and hello to chaos-though, to be fair, they say the company’s outlook is “stable.” How comforting. 🤡
“We see Strategy’s obsession with Bitcoin, its narrow-minded business focus, and the feeble fortress of its risk buffer as delightful weaknesses,” whispered the rating spirits on a Monday perhaps filled with too much coffee and too little hope. 😅
This treasure trove of 640,808 BTC-snapped up mainly through equity and debt magic-rests precariously on a delicate balance of prudence, as the company plans to juggle debt maturities and maybe throw in some more debt-because what could go wrong? 🤔
S&P emphasized an “inherent currency mismatch,” which sounds fancy but basically means all the company’s debt is in US dollars while most of its cash is busy funding the software that barely makes a blip in profit. Oh, the irony of banking on Bitcoin to ‘stabilize’ a company enjoying a ‘stable outlook’-who knew irony was a commodity? 
This rating is a milestone-think of it as the “first date” of crypto-flavored companies getting a formal S&P rating. It’s an awkward step in establishing TradFi’s (that’s Traditional Finance’s-fancy!) curiosity about companies that adore digital gold more than grandma loves her pearls.
Strategy’s vibe: on par with Sky Protocol
They slapped Strategy with the same grade as Sky Protocol, the stablecoin star now thrust into the same belt of potential financial mishaps-because nothing screams stability like a high depositor concentration and central governance, right? 🌪️
To escape the “junk bond” basement, Strategy needs a six-letter upgrade-from B- to BBB-. A tall order but hey, perhaps next year’s magic will happen, especially if Bitcoin keeps retracing like a lazy cat.
Meanwhile, despite these ratings, Strategy’s stock was a star of 2024 with a 430% rally-some bragging rights at least. This year? Down a modest 13%, but hey, who’s counting? Monday’s tiny 2.27% bump suggests investors are mostly indifferent-probably pondering whether to laugh or cry. 🤷♂️
What Strategy needs: liquidity, less debt, maybe a miracle
S&P hinted that a shiny upgrade might happen if Strategy boosts its US dollar liquidity, tames its convertible debt dragon, and keeps showing it’s got access to the big-money markets-even if Bitcoin chooses to flunk out at any moment. 😏
But beware, brave Strategy: if debt maturities hit during a Bitcoin storm-think “Bitcoin stress test”-they might need to sell some of their stash at painfully depressed prices, which is about as attractive as a tax audit. 💸
Should access to capital markets dry up? Well, then the company might find itself in a deeper hole than before, potentially screaming ‘goodbye’ to its Bitcoin dreams. A true comedy of financial errors. 😎
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2025-10-28 03:33