Bitcoin’s Bollinger Bands: Are We About to Witness a New Crypto Tsunami?

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Citizens! Cup your ears and draw nearer, for an audacious drama unfolds on the dim-lit stage of crypto! The ubiquitous Bitcoin, long suspected of colluding with the devil, is flashing its notorious signals again. Somewhere—likely in a smoke-filled attic filled with half-drunk coffee mugs—a crypto analyst, hair wild as an alley cat, whispers feverishly: “History will repeat itself! Or, at the very least, it’ll try and charge us for the privilege.”

Bollinger Bands Sashay, and Bitcoin Teeters on Tiptoe

The scene opens on Bitcoin’s weekly chart, tightly clutched by a character known only as Bitcoinsensus (stage name), previously of the platform Twitter, now X—an ominous rebranding, perhaps after a poorly played chess match with fate. Within the chart’s hallowed depths, a pattern emerges, appearing just four times since 2022, always at the start of a dramatic upward pirouette in the price of Bitcoin.

This notorious device is the Bollinger Band, a kind of fortune-telling sash beloved by technical analysts and seers. Bitcoin, with all the subtlety of a cat on a hot tin roof, rebounds from the lower Bollinger Band, as if to say, “Support? I hardly know her!” Analysts assure us this is not just wishful thinking—but actual mathematics. The fifth visitation of this spectral signal means another bullish waltz, complete with white circles on the chart (as if the universe needed more crop circles).

Let us travel, if you dare, through the annals of time: In early 2023, Bitcoin wiggled its way up from under $2,000 to over $30,000, much to the horror of short sellers and the delight of hodlers everywhere. The pattern encores in mid-2023—push the giant above $45,000. Then, a leap above $60,000. And in 2024, a parabolic jump over $100,000—enough to make tulipomania look like small potatoes. 🥔

Now, in Q2 of 2025, the acrobat finds itself yet again balancing on the invisible tightrope of the Bollinger Bands. Support at $77,500! Resistance as high as $106,000! Will this be a leap of faith or just a pratfall? Bitcoinsensus, hat askew, spectacles fogged, predicts a rally toward $130,000–$160,000. Should this prophecy come to pass, a new peak in the tragicomic opera known as Bitcoin will be reached: +46.7%. The ghosts of financial bubbles past are already checking the popcorn supply. 🍿

Mystic Tardigrade Foresees: Bitcoin Eyes $100,000’s Glorious Return

Meanwhile, the townsfolk huddle as Bitcoin plods its weary way back to $100,000, like some Dickensian debtor revisiting a wealthy aunt. After a 4.75% surge in a week, the analyst Trader Tardigrade (possibly a real tardigrade, for all we know—this is crypto) peers into his musty ledger. He points at a pattern: breakout after breakout from a descending resistance trendline, three times running, all since 2022. A real Groundhog Day, but with more spreadsheets and less Bill Murray.

This week, the parade repeats: Bitcoin gnaws at the descending trendline, threatening to burst forth yet again. If the past is anything to go by (and who are we to argue?), the greasy pole leads straight to the $100,000–$136,000 corridor. New all-time highs await, provided no black cats cross the blockchain. 👀

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2025-05-09 01:32