Bitcoin: Will It Go Up? 🤷‍♀️

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Okay, so Bitcoin. Still a thing. Apparently, it spent most of December chilling between $85,000 and $90,000, which, let’s be real, is just a fancy way of saying it wasn’t doing much. After a rough patch in late 2025 – because of course there was a rough patch – it’s now flirting with $90,500 again. Everyone’s pretending to be optimistic… which is always a red flag. 🤔

Is Coinbase About To Make Money Hand Over Fist?

This analyst, Burak Kesmeci – a name I fully expect to be mispronouncing at a cocktail party – noticed Bitcoin went up almost 4% since January 1st. Groundbreaking. He also says Americans are buying more of it. Which, again, doesn’t surprise me. America loves a hype cycle. He’s looking at “Coinbase premiums” which is basically how much extra US investors are willing to pay. Turns out, they’re still a little skeptical, which, honestly, good for them. 😌

Apparently, if US investors are feeling good about things, the world economy spontaneously combusts with joy? Or something. This “premium” thing is important because Americans have the money, and the money talks. But right now? Still a bit muted. Which is fine. Muted is good. Muted means people aren’t calling their brokers and remortgaging their houses.

What Does All This Mean?! (Don’t Ask Me)

So, according to Kesmeci’s very scientific ‘moving average’ indicator (it’s a line on a chart, people, chill), Bitcoin needs to stay above $89,415 for two days. If it doesn’t? Back to square one. Basically, it’s a very stressful two days for anyone holding a lot of digital gold. 😬 A long-term rally might happen if it busts through $101,000, which is apparently a “psychological and structural resistance.” It’s like Bitcoin has feelings now.

Right now, it’s at $89,520. As of this very second, which could change while you’re reading this because cryptocurrency. Trading volume is way up – people love a gamble! – and Bitcoin owns 58.6% of all crypto. Which means if crypto gets a cold, Bitcoin gets pneumonia.

Look, I’m a comedy writer, not a financial advisor. If I understood Bitcoin, I’d be on a yacht, not typing this. Invest responsibly (or don’t). I’m just here for the charts. 🤷‍♀️

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2026-01-03 12:06