If you’ve ever wanted to see a room full of grown men sweating over pie charts, enter the throbbing heart of Bitcoin treasury fever. Today’s canary in the digital coal mine is Fred Thiel, CEO of Marathon Digital, which, as far as I can tell, is a company so obsessed with mining Bitcoin it probably smells faintly of server racks and existential dread.
Fred, bless him, popped up on Bloomberg—because where else does one go to burst bubbles on live TV?—to say, more or less: “Look, folks, the gold rush is overcrowded, and several prospectors forgot their pants.” Apparently, the grand plan of flipping your sleepy, barely-profitable company into a Bitcoin hoarder isn’t quite as bulletproof as it sounded over happy hour.
“The problem is—what if Bitcoin stops doing its usual trampoline impression and just lies there, gasping for air? Sure, my stock’s been up over five years, but if you actually squint at the current numbers, we’re looking at something that feels less like Bitcoin magic and more like my attempt at CrossFit: long on enthusiasm, short on actual gains.
In some fantasy land, Bitcoin treasury companies are supposed to double-up on the gains every time Bitcoin sneezes in a positive direction. That’s adorable. In reality, the only thing doubling is our collective anxiety. The whole market’s stuffed like a deep-fried Twinkie at this point. Everyone’s converting their thingamajig business into a Bitcoin accumulator, and—surprise—there isn’t enough cake for everyone. Capital chases returns, and if those returns dry up, the only thing left will be awkward holiday parties and a lot of fancy bar graphs showing us which direction is down.”
People are launching BTC treasury companies the way dads get really into pickleball: Anthony Pompliano has ProCap BTC, Grant Cardone is presumably yelling about Cardone Capital again, and even GameStop is in on the act. Meanwhile, over in Japan, a hotel company named MetaPlanet probably put out a press release nobody’s mom read.
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2025-07-06 15:02