Markets
What to know:
- Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell, with all the finesse of a hippo on roller skates, declared that rising oil prices have “for sure showed up” in their higher inflation forecast for this year, lifting it to 2.7% from a comfortable 2.4%.
- He waved off any notions of a 1970s-style stagflation like a pesky fly, insisting that unemployment is as snug as a bug in a rug and inflation is merely “modestly” above target-whatever that means.
- After a raucous meeting and Powell’s press conference, markets decided to take a nosedive, with bitcoin sliding back to $70,900 and the Nasdaq closing at its session low, down 1.5%. It’s as if they all collectively agreed to attend a pity party.
On a dreary Wednesday, Bitcoin slipped below $71,000, courtesy of Jerome Powell waving his magic wand and conjuring up fears of inflation due to rising oil prices linked to the ongoing war in Iran. Who knew oil could throw such a wrench in the works?
The Fed, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, decided to keep interest rates steady. However, during his post-meeting chat, Powell acknowledged that the recent spike in energy prices is already crashing the party for the central bank’s outlook.
“The oil shock for sure shows up,” he said, while cautioning that “nobody knows” how long this hangover will last. Great! Just what we need-more uncertainty to spice up our lives!
Policymakers, in a fit of uncharacteristic optimism, raised their 2026 inflation forecast to 2.7% from 2.4%, essentially telling us that price pressures might just stick around longer than a houseguest who’s overstayed their welcome.
Despite these alarming revelations, Powell flatly dismissed comparisons to a 1970s-style stagflation, maintaining that unemployment remains close to long-run norms. “That’s not the case right now,” he stated, clearly not having a sense of humor about the whole situation.
“What we have is some tension between the goals, and we’re trying to manage our way through it,” he added, likely while pulling on his hair in frustration.
Cautious markets
Pressure was already mounting before the Fed news broke like a bad piñata, thanks to some disappointing February inflation data and no sign the war in Iran is letting up. Thus, it was no surprise when markets took another plunge late in the session.
By late Wednesday afternoon, Bitcoin had retreated all the way to $70,900, down almost 5% over the past 24 hours. Ether (ETH) decided to join the pity parade with a 6.5% decline.
The S&P 500 and Nasdaq whimpered their way to the day’s lows, down 1.4% and 1.5%, respectively. Gold, that shiny little troublemaker, extended its decline below $4,850 an ounce, now sitting 3.1% lower on the day-its weakest price in more than a month, just in case you were wondering.
Digital asset-related stocks, after catching wind of the crypto debacle, fell sharply like a sack of potatoes. Strategy (MSTR), the corporate heavyweight in BTC holding, and Bitmine (BMNR), the top dog in Ethereum treasury, reported losses of 5%-6%. Investment firm Galaxy (GLXY) tumbled nearly 7%, while crypto exchange Gemini (GEMI) plummeted 15%-the kind of drop that makes one wonder if they should invest in parachutes instead.
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2026-03-18 23:27