Oy vey! It’s me again, schlepping you the wildest crypto news you might’ve missed this week—so much drama, I needed two bagels and a nap. 😅
This week? Picture the Marx Brothers at a Wall Street convention. Bitcoin doing a standing ovation at $100,000, Ethereum dusting itself off to go another round, CEOs making power moves, and in Washington? Well, as usual, it looks like the Three Stooges trying to pass a law. Let’s dive in before someone rewrites the script!
#1 Bitcoin Breaks $100K Again
Bitcoin’s back over $100K—are you kvelling? Because everyone on Wall Street is. After months of market delirium, Bitcoin popped its collar and said, “I’m back, baby!” All thanks to investors feeling spicy, the feds keeping rates on ice, and Trump making trade deals so big even SNL can’t parody them. Oh, and $1.8 billion just flew into Bitcoin. If only my Aunt Rose invested her bingo winnings, maybe she’d finally move to Florida.
#2 Ethereum Is Back – And Stronger Than Ever! 🚀
Ethereum, the comeback king! Last week, the price shot past $2,300, leaving some folks so shocked they forgot their wallet password. The Pectra upgrade went smoother than a matzo ball in soup, with efficiency improvements even your grandma would appreciate. And whales? They devoured so much ETH, I started checking if they were kosher. ETFs are filling up, Layer-2s are flexing, and it finally feels like Ethereum showed up to the party in a tux.
#3 Coinbase Makes Historic $2.9B Deribit Move
Coinbase just grabbed Deribit for a cool $2.9 billion, which means somewhere, a banker spilled his coffee. Wall Street’s buzzing, thinking Coinbase is coming for Binance’s big chair—except their stock called in sick because of ugly Q1 earnings and tariffs. Will this gamble pay off, or are we looking at another $2.9 billion paperweight? Place your bets!
#4 Senate Tanks Stablecoin Bill in Power Play Against Trump 🏛️
Washington served up new levels of chaos! The “GENIUS Act” stablecoin bill flopped in the Senate, leading to more finger-pointing than a deli line at lunchtime. The Democrats bailed at the last second—some say to spite Trump. Mike Novogratz was not amused. The Democrats retaliated with the “MEME Act” (yes, you read that right), because nothing settles a feud like yelling on C-SPAN. Policy clarity? Fuhgeddaboudit.
#5 BlackRock’s Bitcoin ETF Is on Fire! 🔥
BlackRock’s Bitcoin ETF is raking in cash for the 19th day in a row—$356 million in one day! Somebody’s going to need a bigger spreadsheet. Since April, over $1B has poured in. Even Trump’s inauguration wasn’t this exciting. If you didn’t think institutions were serious, BlackRock is serving a reminder—with extra pickles.
#6 Meta Eyes Web3 Comeback with Stablecoins
Meta (that’s Facebook for folks still using AOL) is raiding the crypto fridge again. After their last project bit the dust louder than a failed Cats revival, they’re taking another swing—this time it’s stablecoins for Instagram content creators. They brought in Ginger Baker, who’s got more fintech cred than most banks. Early talks are in motion, but hush-hush—like everything that happens before someone leaks it to Twitter.
#7 Galaxy Digital Heads for Nasdaq Debut
Galaxy Digital dumped the maple syrup and is off to Delaware—on purpose! The SEC gave them the green light to list on Nasdaq, making Wall Street’s crypto daydreamers swoon. Another sign that crypto is getting so legitimate, your uncle who still hides cash in his mattress is starting to sweat.
#8 eXch Shut Down in $38M Crypto Crime Bust 🔍
Germany went full Inspector Gadget this week, busting a crypto laundry with $38M in dirty money—third biggest ever! The eXch platform operated under the radar since 2014, swapping crypto for anyone with the moral standards of a Bond villain. Stolen Bybit funds, shady transfers, 8 terabytes of “oops”—all neatly boxed for evidence. Scheisse!
#9 Changpeng Zhao Applies for Presidential Pardon 🤷♂️
Binance bigwig CZ, out of the slammer and $50 million poorer, is now asking Trump for a get-out-of-jail-free card! He finally admitted it on a podcast, denying any side deals bigger than his hair. Media rumors are swirling, but hey—if Martha Stewart can get a comeback, why not CZ?
#10 New Hampshire Becomes First U.S. State to Establish Bitcoin Reserve
New Hampshire just declared, “We’re first!”—and for once, they’re not talking about pancakes. Gov. Ayotte signed a new law so the state can invest up to 5% of public loot in assets like Bitcoin. If it works, New Hampshire will be richer than that neighbor who “got in early” and won’t stop bragging. Dominoes could fall, but please, nobody let Florida go next.
Governor Ayotte said: “New Hampshire is once again First in the Nation! Just signed a new law allowing our state to invest in cryptocurrency and precious metals.”
In the Spotlight
Here’s the fast-and-funny breakdown you need, because who actually reads past headline four?
Meet Mia! Sweat’s New AI Agent for Fitness and Crypto: If you ever wanted a robot to yell at you to do push-ups and buy Bitcoin, Mia’s your gal. Chat, sweat, and maybe earn a crypto coin so your couch potato lifestyle isn’t totally tragic.
USDT Lands on Kaia and LINE: Tether’s USDT (now with 196 million users!) landed on Kaia, making in-app payments and DeFi so easy even your grandmother might try buying NFTs by accident.
Celsius CEO Mashinsky Sentenced to 12 Years: Mashinsky’s heading to the big house for 12 years after turning Celsius into a crypto Ponzi disco. Apparently, SEC agents don’t accept “HODL” as a legal defense.
Jack Mallers Expands Strike with BTC Lending:Strike goes full Wall Street—letting you borrow cash but keep your Bitcoin. Genius or madness? Either way, the U.S. is the guinea pig before global expansion. Cue the confetti.
Altcoins are on the Rise: Whales went shopping! ETH, APE, POL, SOL, BNB…if it sounds like a Scrabble win, it got scooped up. Apecoin jumped 13%. Someone call Guinness.
What’s Next for Crypto?
Buckle up! Three predictions, Mel-style:
- The Senate’s stablecoin faceplant—thanks to the Trump show—means true crypto laws won’t happen until the U.S. Congress learns how to reset a password.
- ETH is strutting after the Pectra upgrade, while whales gobble up so many altcoins, even marine biologists are taking notes. Could be a new golden run (unless the whales unionize).
- With New Hampshire going all in, expect other states to try this “crypto reserve” trick. Satoshi Action Fund is beaming; Florida is rehearsing its acceptance speech.
That’s the comedy, the chaos, and the crypto. Stay tuned—next week I’ll be back with another roundup that’ll have you laughing, crying, and maybe finally reading your seed phrase out loud. 🥯🎩
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2025-05-10 14:06