Bitcoin Bonanza: Son of Official Gambles Billions!

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Hark! 🧐 According to those gossiping magpies at the Financial Times, Brandon Lutnick, a chip off the old block and son of US Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, is waltzing with SoftBank, Tether, and Bitfinex in a most peculiar Bitcoin (BTC) escapade. A venture, mind you, that threatens to swallow a cool $3 billion!

All this unfolds amidst a positively indecent recovery rally in BTC. One might even suspect the Devil’s hand in this sudden surge. 😈

Is Cantor Fitzgerald Scheming to Outdo that Bitcoin Baron, Strategy? 🤔

The Financial Times, those purveyors of whispered secrets, claim that Lutnick’s special purpose acquisition company (SPAC), Cantor Equity Partner, already pilfered—ahem, *raised*—$200 million back in January. This hoard is to be the foundation for a new den of iniquity called 21 Capital. Sounds like a clandestine society, doesn’t it?

These cryptocurrency conspirators are throwing mountains of Bitcoin into the 21 Capital cauldron. Tether, that stablecoin sorceress, is tossing in $1.5 billion worth of BTC. Bitfinex, the exchange with a past as murky as a Moscow puddle, is contributing $600 million. And SoftBank, the Japanese behemoth, is coughing up $900 million. 💰

A grand total of $3 billion in Bitcoin offerings! Clearly, SoftBank has developed a taste for this digital delirium. One can only imagine the boardroom meetings… full of cigar smoke and whispered promises. 💨

“Masayoshi Son’s biggest Bitcoin gamble yet,” quips VanEck’s Matthew Sigel on that modern-day samizdat, X. A gamble, indeed, worthy of a Dostoyevsky novel. 🤪

The Bitcoin loot will be transmuted into shares of 21 Capital at a princely $10 per share, with Bitcoin valued at a staggering $85,000 per coin. A sum that would make even Croesus blush! And as if that weren’t enough, they plan to squeeze even more funds from unsuspecting souls through a $350 million convertible bond and a $200 million private equity… shall we call it, *extraction*? To acquire even more Bitcoin, of course. 😈

“While the deal was likely to be announced in the coming weeks, it could still fail to materialise, and the numbers could change, the people cautioned,” the Financial Times warns. Oh, the delicious uncertainty! Like a play with an ending written in disappearing ink. 🖋️

The goal, it seems, is to emulate the success of that Bitcoin kingpin, Strategy (formerly MicroStrategy). They’ve been hoarding BTC since 2020, amassing a treasure of 538,200 coins worth $50.14 billion, according to SaylorTracker. A fortune that would make even the most jaded bureaucrat reconsider their life choices. 🤯 The company boasts an unrealized profit of approximately 39.8%. A testament to the madness of crowds, or perhaps, a glimpse into the future? Only time, and the whims of the market, will tell.

Meanwhile, Bitcoin, the star of this farcical show, has been enjoying a miraculous recovery. As BeInCrypto (another oracle of financial pronouncements) reported, the largest cryptocurrency soared past the $90,000 mark for the first time in seven weeks. Over the past day, it rose by 5.3% to trade at $92,862. A figure so absurd, it could only be dreamt up in a feverish haze. 🔥

“You start to think that Bitcoin is rallying as a sound money store of value inflation hedge but the market gods have a sick sense of humor and it turns out it was just a cantor/softbank/tether MSTR 2.0 all along,” some anonymous analyst wailed on X. The market gods, indeed, are laughing. And perhaps, weeping a little too. 😭

As this unholy alliance marches forward, its fate hangs precariously on Bitcoin’s long-term performance and the ever-shifting regulatory winds. Will it be a triumph of greed and cunning, or a spectacular plunge into the abyss? Place your bets, comrades! The game is afoot. 😈

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2025-04-23 09:10