Bitcoin Bandits Swipe $333M via ATMs – FBI Says “Hold My Coffee” ☕

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In a twist that surprises absolutely no one who’s ever met the internet, scammers have fleeced Americans out of a cool $333 million using Bitcoin ATMs-because apparently, sticking cash into a glowing box and hoping for the best is now considered financial planning. 🎰

The FBI, in its latest “We Told You So” report, revealed that losses in 2025 (yes, we’re time-traveling now) have already outpaced last year’s $250 million haul-proving once again that crime pays, at least until it doesn’t.

“Not slowing down,” says the FBI, with the weary tone of a parent watching their toddler sprint toward a cliff. Meanwhile, Bitcoin ATMs multiply like gremlins after midnight, offering criminals the perfect blend of convenience and irreversible regret.

Here’s how it works: You insert cash, press some buttons, and-poof!-your money vanishes faster than a politician’s promise. Scammers, ever the creative bunch, spin tales involving fake government threats, bank emergencies, or “your computer has been possessed by a Nigerian prince.” (Okay, we made that last one up. Probably.)

Once the digital dust settles, recovery is about as likely as finding a unicorn at a donkey convention. The FBI, ever helpful, suggests “not falling for it,” which is like telling people not to sneeze during allergy season-good luck with that.

With over 45,000 Bitcoin ATMs lurking across the U.S., the FBI warns that fraudsters are “adapting.” Translation: They’ve upgraded from emailing your grandma to texting your dog. 🐕💸

So, dear reader, if a stranger demands crypto via ATM, do the sensible thing: laugh, walk away, and maybe invest in a good old-fashioned mattress. At least then, when your money disappears, you’ll know who to blame. 😉

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2026-01-05 11:23