Bitcoin: A Patient’s Guide to Wealth (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Halving)

Let me be clear: I am not a fan of Bitcoin. I’m more of a “fan of fans of Bitcoin” kind of person, like how I’m a fan of people who enjoy extreme ironing. And yet, here I am, six years into buying $600 worth of BTC every week, because my midlife crisis has a 401(k) and a death wish. The math says I’ll hit seven figures eventually. The part where I imagine cashing out and buying a yacht? That’s just my brain on a bad acid trip.

Bitcoin’s cult of scarcity is like the last slice of pie at Thanksgiving-everyone wants it, but no one wants to admit they’re the one who ate it. The whole “only 21 million coins” thing sounds like a clever way to turn digital ones and zeros into a modern-day tulip bulb. Still, I’ll grant it this: If you’re going to be a speculative asset, at least be one that forces me to reevaluate my relationship with time. Which brings me to my favorite part-the halvings. They’re like the financial equivalent of watching paint dry, but with more Reddit threads.

Scarcity and stronger buyers are still doing the heavy lifting

Bitcoin’s supply cap is a masterstroke of psychological manipulation. It’s the crypto version of telling a toddler, “There are only so many cookies, and once they’re gone, you’ll never get another.” Naturally, the toddler (or the market) loses its mind. The 2024 halving? A mere speed bump compared to the existential dread of running out of coins entirely. By 2028, we’ll be mining Bitcoin slower than my aunt sends holiday cards. And yet, somehow, the demand keeps scaling. I tip my hat to institutions-nothing says “confidence” like a trillion-dollar fund slowly printing money while I panic-sell after hearing a meme stock mentioned on a podcast.

Government policy now treats Bitcoin like a household appliance you’re required to own. The White House’s Strategic Bitcoin Reserve feels less like sound economics and more like a game of Monopoly where the bank has a PhD in political science. El Salvador’s national Bitcoin stack? A bold move, or a very public bet that their president knows more about cryptocurrency than my barista does about coffee origins. Either way, it’s entertaining.

Corporations hoarding Bitcoin? MicroStrategy’s balance sheet reads like a scavenger hunt for loose change. They’ve locked up enough coins to make Warren Buffett blush. Meanwhile, banks now custody crypto with the same enthusiasm as they did subprime mortgages. Progress!

Millionaire status still isn’t attainable overnight

If you’re hoping to get rich quick, Bitcoin is the wrong partner for your get-rich-quick scheme. It’s more of a “sign up for a 10-year commitment and hope you don’t divorce it” kind of investment. Dollar-cost averaging is just a fancy way of saying “throw money at a wall and hope it sticks.” But here’s the kicker: It works. I’ve thrown $100 a week at Bitcoin like it’s the last taxi in a rainstorm, and so far, it hasn’t run me over. Yet.

The real magic isn’t in predicting the next bull run-it’s in accepting that you’ll spend the next decade arguing with relatives about whether you’ve “lost all your money.” The key is to smile through the madness, buy low when your neighbor’s divorce lawyer is buying high, and pretend you understand what a “halving” is when your in-laws ask. You’ll fail spectacularly at some of this. That’s part of the fun.

In the end, Bitcoin’s promise isn’t that it’ll make you a millionaire. It’s that it’ll teach you how to tolerate your own poor life choices while pretending they’re a calculated risk. And if that sounds like a path to wealth, well-so does building a spreadsheet to track your anxiety. 🚀

2025-08-19 22:07

Scarcity and stronger buyers are still doing the heavy lifting

Millionaire status still isn’t attainable overnight

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