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Meanwhile, AEP’s stock nudged up by 1.2%, possibly contemplating whether this partnership might somehow lead to tailwinds or simply a polite nod for future extortion attempts.

Take-Two has had quite the year so far. Its stock has climbed even as its flagship title, Grand Theft Auto VI, got kicked down the road to May 2026. Yes, that’s right—the game everyone was salivating over won’t be here until next year. And yet, people keep buying the stock. Go figure. So it goes.

As of July 31, Microsoft had climbed 26.9% year-to-date, towering above the S&P 500’s modest 7.8% gain. Yet, as with all things ephemeral, it soon slipped from its perch, tumbling back below the $4 trillion mark. But what does it matter? The markets care little for permanence; they are drunkards dancing to the tune of tomorrow’s earnings report. Still, there is something about Microsoft—a certain grim determination—that makes one wonder if its place among the elite was earned or merely borrowed.

But nothing truly changes in the empire of bureaucracy, save for the date on the memorandum or the impotent flourish of a new red stamp. Behind the curtain, the specter of tariffs—the invention of President Trump, a man with a fondness for import taxes and rhetorical thunderclaps—creeps across the stage, its footsteps somewhat audible to those of us trained to listen for the faintest fiscal tremor. “Market conditions!” exclaims the press release with the air of a tipsy magistrate inspecting a potato harvest that has already been devoured by beetles.