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Folks, Ambarella’s revenue swelled to $95.5 million this quarter-nigh on 50% higher than last year. Now, I ain’t no mathematician, but that’s enough to make a banker’s mustache quiver. Profits? They inched up 16% to $6.4 million, or $0.15 per share if you’re countin’ pennies. Analysts? Bless their hearts, they expected less-like underestimatin’ a hungry rattlesnake in a chicken coop.

But here’s the thing: Harold wasn’t entirely wrong about one thing-investing in companies with momentum can work. It’s just that instead of gambling on memes, you might want to look at something slightly more substantial. Like Amazon. Yes, *that* Amazon. The company so ubiquitous it feels like it’s already taken over your life-and possibly your checking account.

For context, the S&P 500 managed to maintain a semblance of dignity, languishing with only a 0.6% decline-a veritable triumph in comparison.

Thursday’s regulatory filing, a document as thick with foreboding as a Stalinist edict, revealed Caterpillar’s grim calculus: a $1.5 billion to $1.8 billion tariff-induced wound for the year. This, they admitted, was a revision-upward, as if the devil himself had sharpened his quill. The original $1.5 billion forecast, once a mere scratch on the ledger of fate, now seemed a prelude to a far darker ledger. For the third quarter alone, the toll would be $500 million to $600 million, a sum that might as well have been scribbled by a bureaucrat drunk on absinthe.

Nestled in a Virginia suburb that smells faintly of bureaucracy and coffee, BigBear.ai is the kind of company that would have been hired by the Ministry of Magic to automate the sorting of owls. Its mission? To provide mission-ready AI solutions to defense agencies, a task that sounds both urgent and slightly absurd when you consider how many humans it employs to explain what “mission-ready” actually means.