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Atkins, in his infinite wisdom, explained that the SEC isn’t in the business of scaring businesses senseless. Oh no, they’re all about compliance! The kind of compliance that makes you think, “Hmm, maybe I should’ve done that earlier.” It’s like when your mom tells you to clean your room… before she starts threatening to throw out your video games. In theory, this should make everything a bit more, dare we say it, “fair.” Or at least less of a chaotic, corporate battlefield where no one knows the rules until it’s too late.

Starting humbly above $880, our protagonist BNB has surged forth, outpacing even the grand lords Ethereum and Bitcoin themselves! It gracefully danced past $892 and then $920, as if to say, “Follow me, peasants!”

On the fateful Wednesday, the Fed shall wield its scalpel against the beast of rates for the first time in 2025, cloaking its decision in the garb of a “weak labor market,” as if the laborers themselves were not the true architects of this chaos. “Blame the workers!” cried the Kobeissi Letter, a prophet in a world of numbers.

Bitcoin [BTC], that sly fox, never fails to keep traders on their toes-like a cat with a mouse in its jaws. 🐱

Ethereum is like that reliable friend who always shows up-but never brings the fun. $6 million in daily revenue? Sure, fine. Flat performance last month? Yawn. But hey, BlackRock loves it, so I guess it’s the crypto equivalent of investing in beige wallpaper. Riveting.

Native Markets “won” – and I’m putting that in quotes because the whole process apparently reeked of backroom deals and disappointed hopefuls – and their founder, Max Fiege, is promising something called a “Hyperliquid Improvement Proposal” (HIP). It sounds impressively bureaucratic for a system designed to avoid banks. They’re also throwing in an ERC-20 token on Ethereum, just for kicks. Because why not add another layer of complexity?