Alphabet: Cloud Growth & the Inevitable Mess

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So, Alphabet. (GOOGL +4.00%) (GOOG +3.66%). Everyone was saying a couple of years ago, “AI? Google’s done. Finished.” Like they were predicting the weather. And now? Suddenly, they’re the geniuses. It’s always something, isn’t it? One minute you’re out, the next you’re… not entirely out. It’s infuriating, the speed at which narratives change. And the people who confidently stated the old narrative? They’re nowhere to be found. Just…gone.

Let’s talk about Google Cloud, because that’s where the…mildly interesting stuff is happening. They’re growing. Faster than they used to. It’s not like they’re printing money, but it’s…progress. A slow, agonizing crawl toward…something. And frankly, the quarterly reports? They’re designed to confuse you. All these percentages…48% growth, year-over-year. What does that mean? It means they sold more stuff. But at what cost? I need details! Is it sustainable? Probably not. But they’re not asking me.

Alphabet’s performance is up in the clouds (and it bothers me)

Forty-eight percent. Okay. That puts Google Cloud at…third place. Third! Behind Amazon and Microsoft. It’s like being the third-best bagel shop in Brooklyn. It’s…acceptable. But the numbers are misleading. Amazon is growing at 24%? That’s slow. Microsoft, 39%. Decent. But Google Cloud is outpacing them. It’s a race to the top, and frankly, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. And all this “cloud computing” talk…it’s just someone else’s computer. I have a perfectly good computer right here! Why do I need to rent space on their computer? It’s a racket!

And then there’s Apple. (I’m not even going to get into Apple.) Google Cloud is their “preferred cloud provider.” Preferred! What does that even mean? Is there a ranking system? Do they have a little chart somewhere? “Apple’s Preferred Cloud Providers: 1. Google 2. Everyone Else.” It’s just…gratuitous. And the “next generation of Apple Foundation Models”? It sounds like something out of a science fiction movie. I just want to check my email!

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Google Cloud is a financial and strategic boon (or is it?)

So, they’re making money. Thirty percent operating margin. That’s good, I guess. But it was a loss a couple of years ago. A loss! They were bleeding money! Now they’re profitable. It’s like they’ve figured out how to…charge people. Revolutionary! And they say it’s due to “years of investing in technical infrastructure.” Of course it is. What else would it be? Magic? It’s just basic business sense. And this talk about “scale”? It’s just a fancy word for “being bigger than everyone else.”

And the “switching costs.” Oh, the switching costs! Apparently, once you get locked into Google Cloud, it’s a nightmare to leave. They’ve created a trap! A digital prison! You have to move all your “IT systems off-premises.” What does that even mean? It sounds terrifying. And they’re counting on you not wanting to deal with the hassle. It’s predatory, frankly. It’s like a cable company.

So, Google Cloud is “thriving.” Okay. Fine. But I still don’t understand why everyone is so excited. It’s just…a computer. In the cloud. And I have a feeling it’s going to end badly. It always does.

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2026-02-23 04:03