You Won’t Believe Who Burgled $49 Million From Iran’s Crypto Exchange—And Their Next Power Move 🤯

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Oh, what an absolutely *delicious* scandal in the land of digital pennies: Nobitex, Iran’s very own cryptocurrency emporium, has had almost $49 million worth of crypto spirited away by someone with more than just idle thumbs and a thirst for Tron.

According to on-chain detective ZachXBT—who, one assumes, is simply rolling in glee—a chunk of Nobitex’s hot wallets (one hopes they cooled down nicely) and its reporting infrastructure were so rudely compromised.

Nobitex Hacked

The exchange released a statement brimming with stiff upper lip bravado: “Do not distress, sensitive deposits are safely slumbering in cold storage!” Insurance fund and internal reserves shall make all well again, because why let a catastrophe spoil one’s morning tea? 🍵

Enter, with enough drama to make Hamlet jealous, the Gonjeshke Darande, or “Predatory Sparrow,” a pro-Israel troupe with a penchant for melodrama and, apparently, cyber-vaults. They flung a menacing missive onto social media, accusing Nobitex of moonlighting as financier-in-chief for international mischief-makers. The hackers, ever the showmen, threatened to air Nobitex’s unmentionables—source code and all—within 24 hours. Curtain up, all wallets at risk! 🎭

“The regime’s dependence on Nobitex is evident from the fact that working at Nobitex is considered valid military service, as it is considered vital to the regime’s efforts. These cyberattacks are the result of Nobitex being a key regime tool for financing terrorism and violating sanctions. Associating with regime terror financing and sanction violation infrastructure puts your assets at risk.”

All this unfolds on day six of Iran-Israel fisticuffs. Frankly, no one’s getting any rest—least of all Nobitex’s IT department.

Nobitex: The Belle of the Blacklist Ball 💃

The whiz kids at TRM Labs had already invited Nobitex to the global finance rogues’ gallery. Their March report tutted about how Nobitex and Russia’s dearly departed Garantex hand-delivered over 85% of crypto inflows to entities more sanctioned than a flask of gin at a temperance meeting.

Honourable mention: Nobitex has evaded formal sanctions but has nevertheless functioned as the socialite’s bridge between Iran and frisky Russian exchanges, making “cross-border” sound so much more devious than “international.” All while dodging the boring bits, like compliance. Brava, Nobitex, brava! 👏

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2025-06-18 11:42