Banks FOILED by Ubyx’s Plot: Stablecoins To Invade Your Wallet Next Year?!

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On a gloomy Tuesday that felt like the devil’s own accountant auditing the crypto realm, a certain cabal calling itself Ubyx announced it has snatched $10,000,000 in a seed round. (Don’t worry: not a single kopek from Behemoth the cat, as far as anybody can tell.) The mission? To summon a golden age where stablecoins, those ever-composed monetary chameleons, are at every street corner and in every trembling hand.

Like all truly lucrative schemes, this one is blessed by a congregation of disciples: Galaxy Ventures in the pulpit, flanked by the silent, suited acolytes of Coinbase Ventures, Founders Fund, VanEck, and more—each more eager than the last to whisper into the lightning-riddled clouds of finance. Did anyone from Ubyx reply to inquiries? Of course not—they are far too busy founding the future, or perhaps cosplaying as Sphinxes.

But what exactly will our daring innovators do? Soon, allegedly by Q4 2025 (which is just as real as any other deadline in blockchain), regulated banks and fintech dreamers will be able to swap stablecoins for the comforting rustle of fiat, at—a drumroll please—face value. The promise: to break through all friction and create an adoption stampede. Because if there’s one thing banks love, it’s frictionless technology that threatens to make them obsolete. 😂

But Ubyx has conjured more than hype—they have reportedly joined hands with Paxos (not the ancient council of geese) and that mercurial entity, Ripple, along with assorted financiers and crypto conjurers. “Stablecoins become ubiquitous when there is a shared acceptance network, just like cards,” quoth Oracle Giampapa of Galaxy Ventures, unwittingly summoning the ghost of Visa.

Everyone’s On Their Own Island, and Ubyx Brings the Rafts

As it turns out, stablecoin paradise is beset by petty kingdoms—each issuer reigns over its own tiny hilltop, hoarding transaction fees and refusing to talk to the neighbors. Costs spiral. Bridges fall into the river. Giants weep. “Institutions can’t even pretend stablecoins are cash,” wail the accountants over at Ubyx’s round (and round) table. But lo, this platform aspires to connect issuers and receivers in a single, cacophonous bazaar. It’s almost as if they’ve reinvented the wheel—now, with more blockchain!

The Grand Marriage: Old Money Meets Blockchain

“We will redeem your stablecoin for squeaky, real-world cash, deposited in accounts that even your grandmother trusts,” cry the innovators, as if announcing the end of dial-up. Naturally, this is all in the service of “standardization” and “fragmentation reduction”—the sorts of phrases that make accountants swoon and dreams die.

Consider, for a moment, the wisdom of Shan Aggarwal of Coinbase Ventures: “Just like the internet changed how we communicate, stablecoins on public networks will change how we pay.” It is unclear whether people will someday reminisce fondly about the days of paying rent with coins that didn’t exist outside a ledger, but hope springs eternal. 😅

Ah, but times are changing: stablecoins are already doing laps around poor old PayPal, washing 19.4 times more value through their electronic net, apparently, than that venerable but exhausted donkey-cart of finance. (PayPal was overheard sighing in relief; it can finally retire.)

In the swirling mists, Tony McLaughlin, chief conjurer at Ubyx, proclaims that their sacred platform will accept all comers—chain after glittering chain, from Aptos to Solana to Starknet and even XRPL, which sounds less like a chain and more like a dental procedure.

Also lurking in the background: guardians BitGo, Copper, Chainalysis, and Fireblocks. Because no financial experiment is complete without a handful of mysterious infrastructure wizards to keep things from (completely) combusting. 🪄

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2025-06-17 17:24