So, let me get this straight. Bitcoin‘s been around fifteen years, right? Fifteen. That’s almost as old as that expired Greek yogurt I still won’t throw away. And suddenly, now everyone’s all, “Oh, look at us, we love crypto!” Give me a break. Who saw that coming? Not me. Well, maybe my cousin Stan. He keeps all his money in Ethereum, but he can’t find his car keys. Go figure.
Anyway, Coinbase (yeah, those guys, constantly emailing me about “next-level” opportunities I don’t care about) hires a bunch of researchers to tell us small businesses and big-time investors are playing with stablecoins now. Payroll, remittances—forget envelopes of cash under the table, we’re sending tokens across the block… chain?? 🏦💸
US Businesses: Suddenly Everyone’s On The Crypto Wagon
Coinbase does some surveys—the kind where people try to sound smarter than they are—and surprise! Everyone lies about owning crypto. “Oh yeah, totally, I’m very into blockchain.” Please. But, fine, a lot of companies—Fortune 500 types, you know, “We can’t answer your call right now, please hold”—are saying they’re all about this blockchain life. Six out of ten execs say they’ve got “on-chain initiatives.” You know they barely know what “on-chain” means. Probably think it involves jewelry.
Apparently, the number of blockchain projects per company went up 67% in a year. From 5.8 to 9.7. (What’s a 0.7 of a blockchain project? Is it like when you TRY to go vegan but still eat ice cream? 🍦) There’s even more variety: tech, finance, cars, food, health… even the transportation folks! 17 new projects from Fortune 100 companies last quarter. You think it’s because crypto makes supply chains “efficient” or just because they heard their competitor is doing it?
Regulatory Clarity—Because Nobody Knows What’s Going On
For small and medium businesses, supposedly a third already use crypto. The rest are thinking, “Eh, maybe in three years? Or whenever my nephew figures out the password.” And 82% swear crypto fixes their financial pain points. Pain points! I bet they’d say pizza fixes pain points if you ask the right way.
“2025 has been a triple-double for crypto among SMBs.” Triple-double. What is this, basketball now? Do I get to dribble my Dogecoin?
Stablecoin transfer volumes blew up—over 700 billion dollars in transactions in some months. Which—if you ask me—is just a lot of zeroes moving around while we all pretend something profound is happening. They say more people hold stablecoins (160 million!) than live in ten of the world’s biggest cities put together. That’s right: more people with stablecoins than with bank apps… but can you use a stablecoin to pay for a pastrami on rye? No? So, what are we doing?
And, of course, everyone wants “regulatory clarity.” Because not even the Fortune 500 folks know what’s legal, what’s not, or whether their crypto wallet is just another way to lose money. Nine out of ten top execs nodding like they have a clue—yep, I’ve seen that at every pitch meeting I’ve ever been in.
But hey, everyone’s pretending to understand, everyone’s jumping in. So if your barber starts mining crypto and your dentist wants you to pay in Tether, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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2025-06-15 16:58