Wall Street Passes Out: Bitcoin Struts in as America’s Last Hope 😎💸

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Picture this: post-war America, flush with gold, grinning like a Cheshire cat. Young Jack Mallers, CEO of Strike—and occasional ruckus-starter—walks into Natalie Brunell’s Coin Stories podcast to serve up some financial wizardry with a side of exasperation. Our government, he claims, is stuck handing out IOUs like chocolate bars at Halloween, and those patient enough to bite are running out. Enter Bitcoin, strutting in, sunglasses on, here to rescue a crumbling order (and maybe swipe a few cookies along the way).

The Old Money Spell Fizzles

Back in 1944 (cue sepia memories and stirring orchestras), America flexed so hard after the world wars that everyone agreed the dollar would reign supreme. “We had the most gold!” Mallers says, probably twirling a monocle in spirit. The plan? Ship out dollars, haul in goodies. Not exactly an even trade, unless your Monopoly set comes with real estate in Manhattan.

And so, decades of printing paper in exchange for real stuff—iPhones, cheeseburgers, fossil fuels—became the game. “That’s Triffin’s dilemma in action,” Mallers says. Translation: Eventually, even the most generous friends stop lending you their lawnmower if you’ve pawned your house five times and torched the hedge.

The tally? A dainty $36.2 trillion in debt and counting. If numbers make you queasy, skip the next bit. The US is coughing up $684 billion a year just in interest—enough to buy everyone in America a private jet or, more realistically, a lifetime supply of ramen.

Back in the groovy 80s and 90s, other countries (“China, Japan, Russia!” Mallers exclaims, possibly with jazz hands) bought Treasuries for fun. Now? Mallers shrugs: “If your buddy was $36 trillion in debt, would you lend him more money? Of course not—unless your idea of investing is playing fetch with a hungry alligator.”

The banks, left holding the bag, are hedging their bets harder than a Vegas blackjack dealer.

Even mega-banker Jamie Dimon is sweating under his suit, telling Washington to stop scaring banks off Treasuries or risk a capital buffer “kerfuffle”—which is banker-speak for “YIKES!” The US Treasury is now running buy-back schemes so wobbly they’d make a circus clown blush.

But Mallers, in his finest Wizard-of-Oz voice, insists that the real problem is leverage—wobbling higher on stilts, ready for a spectacular tumble the next time the wind (aka volatility) blows.

The Great Gold Pit Stop, Bitcoin’s Pit Lane Entrance 🏎️💨

If markets were the school cafeteria, gold has been everyone’s safe “parking lot”—a place to leave your lunch before a food fight. But Mallers tuts at gold’s luster. “Gold is just a lay-by. Bitcoin’s the full amusement park: limited tickets, all the rides, and no weird musty smell.” Scarcity, divisibility, self-custody—Bitcoin has the lot, he claims, and soon the world’s $900 trillion in global assets will sneak out of the dollar’s backdoor and into Bitcoin’s playground.

Trump’s tariffs sent bond markets on a pogo-stick joyride, and the government is now busy “providing liquidity”—financial speak for flooding the punch bowl when the party runs dry. Mallers’ formula: “Bitcoin equals technology plus fiat liquidity.” Not exactly E=mc², but it does set the stage for drama.

Asked about central banks gobbling up gold, Mallers just rolls his eyes: “Temporary. Bitcoin’s here for the standing ovation.” He drops a vision—what if the US built up a $50 trillion Bitcoin reserve and simply backed every dollar with orange coin? You could still buy your hot dog in dollars, but the real cash, the real stash, is chilling in Bitcoin’s digital vaults.

And what of the price? After snoozing in the $70Ks, Bitcoin decided to leapfrog into six figures just as fast as old investors could scramble for their wallets. Markets paused only because Trump initially sucked liquidity out (party-pooper behavior), but as the floodgates reopen, Jack predicts another Bitcoin carnival.

The wild card? Treasury markets collapsing in a heap of debt-induced chaos. Dimon’s “kerfuffle” could force the Fed to unleash the money printers, and in Mallers’ world, each new dollar just flips more folks into the arms of Bitcoin—jumping ship like rats abandoning a sinking, very expensive yacht.

The verdict? The US can’t call on foreign piggy banks anymore. Banks and hedge funds can only keep this teetering pyramid aloft if the Fed keeps throwing dollars into the mix, which smells suspiciously like baking a cake with too much yeast and zero flour. By Mallers’ gleeful reckoning: “The game is rigged—and Bitcoin wins, because math doesn’t fib.”

Update: Bitcoin’s pulling wheelies at $104,112. Don’t blink—you might miss the next trick.

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2025-05-15 08:34