SEC Chair’s Surprising Crypto Plan: Regulation That Actually Makes Sense?

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If you’d like your future in crypto to involve fewer cosmic black holes of uncertainty, the SEC just hit the big red “Don’t Panic” button. The era of regulation by random surprise (also known as ‘look behind you enforcement’) may finally be coming to an untidy end. 🚦✨

SEC Tosses Its Enforcement Dartboard, Vows To Understand Blockchains (Sort Of)

U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Paul S. Atkins—who presumably gets paid every time he uses the word “chairman” in a sentence—beamed his latest ideas about rules for crypto into the Crypto Task Force Roundtable in Washington D.C. on May 12, after what we assume was a typically exciting commute past infinite law firm offices.

“The migration of securities from those dusty ‘off-chain’ spreadsheets to the sparkling, ego-driven ‘on-chain’ ledgers is accelerating faster than the average intern fleeing an SEC compliance seminar.”

Atkins noted the SEC must bravely leave the 1980s—Rubik’s cubes, questionable hair, and all—behind and start thinking in blockchain. “Enough with impeding innovation,” he said, ignoring the sound of paperwork multiplying in the background.

He sketched out his priorities, suggesting a future in which crypto market rules aren’t fashioned after darts thrown at a corkboard. (Take your time to recover from the shock. 🥲) “No more regulation-by-surprise,” he declared, confidently ignoring the nearby jar of enforcement darts.

“Establish clear rules for crypto asset issuance, custody, and trading,” Atkins vowed heroically, “but also… let’s gently discourage the bad actors. No, those aren’t actors from a low-budget SEC-themed soap opera; we mean scam artists.”

He added, presumably with a straight face: “Clear rules help people spot scams. Because, as it turns out, investors aren’t huge fans of losing all their money overnight.” It’s a revolutionary stance, not seen since the invention of the obvious.

Atkins managed to work in a mention of the new Crypto Task Force, created by Commissioners Uyeda and Peirce, a committee that bravely forges what no committee has forged before: collaboration inside the SEC. “No more policy siloes,” he proclaimed, “unless you count the ones full of legal jargon.”

He even hinted at a vision in which the U.S. claims the mighty title of “crypto capital of the planet”—mainly because “crypto capital of this tax district” lacks panache. President Trump, if you’re reading, Atkins says he’s working on it.

“Rules for old-school securities may be about as useful in crypto as an umbrella in a meteor shower,” Atkins concluded, as thunderous applause was carefully simulated by interns in the back row.

TL;DR: The SEC has gazed into the crypto void, and is now promising not to trip over its own shoelaces while writing regulations. Too good to be true? Check back as soon as enforcement remembers where it left its keys. 🗝️🦄

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2025-05-13 03:58