Wall Street in Shock: Coinbase Barges Into the S&P 500, Leaves Discover Out in the Cold!

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Picture, if you will, a dismal gray office in May—somewhere between boredom and despair.

Coinbase Global (COIN), a stock as volatile and unpredictable as Uncle Pavel at family gatherings, is destined to join the S&P 500 index fund come May 19, according to that omniscient oracle S&P Global (who no doubt delivers news while sighing into their teacups).

As fate would have it, in this tragicomedy of finance, Discover Financial Services (DFS) is shown the door—having been acquired by Capital One. One can almost hear DFS muttering, “Capital? One? More like Capital None.”

Let’s pause for a moment to recall: the S&P 500, that hallowed index, tracks 500 of the greatest behemoths to grace the American stock arena. It’s the measuring stick of markets; like Aunt Olga’s ruler, it is both strict and arbitrary.

And yet! Coinbase now ascends to this prestigious club, because when index funds and exchange-traded funds go shopping, they simply must buy COIN shares to properly impersonate the index. What a delightful farce—a game of musical chairs where the music is played on a blockchain. 💃🪙

The news fell upon COIN shares like spring rain on dusty tulips, causing their price to surge 8.8% up to $225.4 in after-hours trading, at least according to the digital priests at Google Finance.
Soon, every investor in America will be able to say, with a straight face, “I own a piece of the revolution,” and then wonder, quietly, if they truly do.


So here we wait, dear reader, for more on this tale of numbers, egos, and fortunes—because the story, as always, is developing, like an unfinished samovar or a bowl of borscht left out in the countryside. 🥄

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2025-05-13 01:57