Crypto Chaos Unleashed: Winklevoss Twins Set to Dazzle Europe with New Derivatives License

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Imagine, if you will, the Winklevoss twins—Cameron and Tyler—polishing their shiny cryptocurrency coins and cackling with glee, as they’ve just been handed the magical golden key to all of Europe’s crypto playgrounds. Not just any key, mind you: this one’s come courtesy of the stuffy, pinstripe-suited folks at the Malta Financial Services Authority (MFSA), who, for reasons nobody quite understands, have given them a license under something called “MiFID II.” (Try saying that with a mouthful of chocolate cake!) 🍰

On May 9, in a burst of uncontainable excitement, Gemini announced their plan: “Once we’re open for business, we’ll be sprinkling regulated derivatives from Lisbon to Ljubljana faster than you can say ‘blockchain.’” Mark Jennings, Gemini’s grand poobah of Europe, said this with the sort of wild-eyed optimism usually reserved for mad scientists or children in sweetshops.

The MiFID II license, according to Jennings, is a milestone—a word typically reserved for babies’ first steps or outsmarting grumpy headmasters. Now, Gemini’s one hop closer to offering fancy derivatives to everyday folks and cigar-chomping institutions alike.

Perpetual Futures for the Freakishly Advanced

So what are these wizardly new products? Perpetual futures and other mind-boggling derivatives, apparently—specially brewed for users who consider themselves Advanced (capital “A,” please), Jennings added. He claims Gemini will be ticking regulatory boxes for several months, but if there’s one thing crypto folks love, it’s hopping regulatory hurdles while daydreaming about Lamborghinis. 🏎️

If you’re following the breadcrumbs, Gemini Intergalactic EU Artemis (yes, that’s their actual Maltese alter ego, and no, there isn’t a spaceship involved—yet) was blessed by MFSA on May 8. Cue celestial fanfare!

MiCA—Still a Mere Morsel

This shiny new license is just the latest badge in Gemini’s quest to conquer Europe. Back in January, they declared Malta the chosen land for charming EU’s Markets in Crypto-Assets (MiCA) officials. This came hot on the heels of their sixth (yes, sixth!) VASP registration from those diligent Maltese elves in December 2024. But, alas! The Great MiCA License remains elusive. For now, it’s like the golden ticket in Charlie’s chocolate bar—everyone’s hoping, but nobody’s found the real one yet.

Crypto Derivatives: The New Hotcakes

Europe’s not alone in this mad dash for derivatives. It’s become the daftest, most frenzied trend in the entire cryptoverse. Not to be outdone, Coinbase—the lumbering giant from America—made headlines on May 8 by buying Deribit for a gobsmacking $2.9 billion. That’s more crypto than Augustus Gloop could ever eat.

And just days earlier, Kraken (nothing to do with actual sea monsters, unfortunately) snatched up NinjaTrader for $1.5 billion to join the endless crypto futures jamboree. Because who wouldn’t want to gamble their digital beans on tomorrow’s imaginary profits?!

If Willy Wonka had run a crypto factory, even he might say, “Whoa, slow down!”

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2025-05-09 17:17