Crypto Is No Longer SEC’s Obsession—and You Won’t Believe What Comes Next

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Picture this: Stark (former SEC bigwig, not Tony, but also not not dramatic) takes to social media, slaps the table, and basically says, “Stick a fork in SEC crypto-enforcement, it’s done.” Honestly, somewhere a Bitcoin bro just spilled his kale smoothie. 🥑

Now, this announcement comes right after the SEC itself performed a mini identity crisis makeover earlier this year. One minute it’s the “Crypto Assets and Cyber Unit,” next thing you know, it’s “Cyber and Emerging Technologies Unit.” The sort of branding shift you’d expect from a flailing startup, or me trying to reinvent myself in a yoga class.

New SEC Boss Swaps Out Crypto Witch Hunts for More Generalised Witch Hunts (Yay?)

Enter: Laura D’Allaird, the new head honcho. She steps up, pulls out a (virtual) laser pointer, and refreshes the regulatory hit list. Now, instead of just chasing after sweaty crypto bros, the SEC has three new obsessions:

  • Fraud with anything that sounds sexy at parties—AI, blockchain, crypto. The goal? Stop people selling dream-dust investments powered by nothing but hype and a suspicious PowerPoint.
  • Cybersecurity compliance. Aka: Please stop leaving your passwords on sticky notes, Jeff.
  • Cyber-mischief: Think digital cat burglars, dark web gremlins, and anyone out there trying “social engineering,” which is basically hacking for people who can’t code but love role-play.

According to D’Allaird, the plan is to be “nimble” (regulator yoga, clearly), keeping up with technological whiplash—just without ruining the market or, I don’t know, inventing new obstacles to capitalism’s favorite pastime: innovation for profit. 🤸‍♂️

The SEC: Now Chasing (Slightly) Bigger Fish

In case you missed the musical chairs, this is a notable segue for the SEC, a group previously fixated on battling the blockchain elite with all the subtlety of a Shakespearean villain in a Marvel crossover. Now, with crypto no longer pinned to their dartboard, Stark is basically stirring the tea and suggesting the feds might finally be over chasing crypto cartels—at least until someone else invents a shinier scam.

Does this mean crypto gets a hall pass? Or is it just that the SEC now has a bigger plate and the same-sized fork? Unclear. But for now, crypto fanatics can step out of their bunkers—just don’t get too comfortable. The SEC still knows how to throw a surprise party.

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2025-05-08 02:45