You’ll Never Guess What Jerome Powell Said About the Economy (and Disney’s Secret Weapon!)

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On a peculiar Wednesday quite unlike any other (though aren’t they all?), American stocks decided to rejoice a little. Yes, truly, the mighty Federal Reserve—the so-called wise men of financial wizardry—sat upon their chairs and, after much soulful deliberation (tea, biscuits, and perhaps the occasional sigh), left interest rates precisely where everyone expected. Incredible intrigue! Such suspense! The partridges barely blinked at 4.25%-4.5%.

The S&P 500 nudged up that most daring of margins—0.43%. The Nasdaq, not to be outdone, tiptoed up 0.27%. Our beloved Dow, always eager to show off, burst forth with a resounding 284 points (0.7% for those who keep score at home and in gloomy offices). 📈 Hurrah, Dow!

Disney swaggered in wearing mouse ears and a cape, having tricked analysts with better-than-expected earnings and a magical Disney+ surge. Somewhere in a back room, an accountant threw confetti. 🐭✨

Meanwhile, the tone of Jerome Powell was something akin to a gentleman considering whether his dinner soup might, in fact, be poisoned by “sticky” inflation. The statement, riddled with portents of doom and mutterings about a “dual mandate,” read like a Tolstoy novella crossed with the weather report: “Risks of higher unemployment and higher inflation have risen.” What drama!

Powell—bless his soul—confessed the whole affair left his gut in knots. “Uncertainty is extremely elevated,” he declared, perhaps eyeing an invisible bear market lurking in the shadows. But, as ever, the Titanic’s iceberg has not yet shown itself…or maybe it’s napping.

Trade policies

Just when you thought the day would run out of absurdities, the Trump administration pirouetted onto the scene. Former President Trump, in a move that absolutely no one foresaw (except everyone), declared that the trade tariffs with China were staying put. “Chinese imports? No reductions!” he bellowed. Swiss chocolates wept in despair. 🍫

Powell, forced to speculate about the future, noted, “Large increases in tariffs could lead to a slowdown in growth, an uptick in long-term inflation, and an increase in unemployment.” One can only presume a collective gasp swept through the ranks of economists who still believed in economic fairy tales.

Bloomberg, not wishing to miss the party, reported that perhaps, maybe, at some mysterious midnight hour, Trump’s team might undo the Biden-era shackles on AI chip exports. Huzzah for Nvidia, who promptly grew in value by 2%. 🖥️

Alas, every market tale comes with its villains: Apple and Alphabet (the A-team of the Nasdaq) sulked as Alphabet tripped over its own shoes and fell approximately 8%, thanks to a rumor that Apple is thinking of tossing Google aside in favor of its shiny new AI search wizard. In Silicon Valley, a thousand engineers pondered the existential meaning of “default.”

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2025-05-08 00:37