You Won’t Believe Who’ll Play Crypto’s Queen in Netflix’s Scandalous FTX Drama! 😱🍿

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In that agitated epoch, much like a thunderstorm rolling over the steppe, word spread that Julia Garner—she of Emmy fame, and lately of “Ozark”—would incarnate, before Netflix’s watchful lens, the infamous Caroline Ellison. One could almost imagine the birches quivering in anticipation.

There was, as reported by the merchants at Variety (whose sources flutter through back corridors like sparrows in spring), the fervent rumor: Garner, bright as morning dew, to portray Ellison, erstwhile companion and confidante to the suddenly-fallen emperor of crypto’s shadowy kingdom—one Sam Bankman-Fried. If Russia had its exiles, surely crypto must have its own.

In this prospective ballet of misfortune and mild absurdity, the camera will linger not on date-stamped ledgers but upon that most poignant and unpredictable of matters: human folly masked as affection. The collapse of FTX, you see, will unfold not simply as a ledger of sins, but as the melancholy and occasionally laughable intermingling of two souls. Naturally, Garner will don two hats—one for acting, the other for the venerable rituals of executive producing. The soul must diversify in these uncertain times!

Netflix, with the gravity of a mid-level provincial judge, decreed the production of eight episodes. The scribbling and herding of cats have been left to Graham Moore, Oscar-holder for “The Imitation Game” (may his pen not freeze), alongside the resolute Jacqueline Hoyt, herself perhaps acquainted with streaks of scandal from “The Good Wife.”

Into this bonfire of vanity leap the Obamas—yes, those Obamas—shouldering their Higher Ground standard. Vinnie Malhotra, Scoop Wasserstein (whose name stirs images of a perennially disappointed czar), and Lauren Morelli: all circled round the samovar. James Ponsoldt, meanwhile, shall launch the ship as director and gaze grimly into the script like a soldier reading dispatches before a doomed campaign.

FTX itself: a monument erected overnight and felled in November of ‘22. There were tales, quite droll if you weren’t the customer, of billions disappearing, not unlike a bottle of vodka at a peasant’s wedding. Its tragic hero, Sam Bankman-Fried, now graces the nation’s finest correctional facilities for 25 years—a number not so much measured in months as in regrets. The sum of $11 billion is expected back (perhaps in dreams, or in kopeks).

Caroline Ellison—forgive me if you sense shades of Anna Karenina—pled guilty, doubtless lured by the gentle promise of leniency, and was given 24 months: long enough to consider the tragicomedy of ambition, and to wonder when Netflix will, at last, tire of stories scarred by greed and crowned by love’s peculiar misdirection. Ah! If only Dostoevsky were here to pen the dialogue…ok, maybe just the prison scenes. 🎭💸

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2025-05-07 14:27