In a development sure to make both tech enthusiasts and anyone with FOMO break into a cold sweat, the entire cryptocurrency market decided it rather fancied the number $3 trillion. Yes, for the first time since March, we’re back at that eye-watering figure—proving cryptocurrency really can recover faster than most houseplants.
Bitcoin (BTC), ever the drama queen, soared to a two-month high of $97,300. This number, just in case you’re not fluently bilingual in Extreme Numbers, was last seen in February B.T. (Before Tariffs). Naturally, this sent analysts into paroxysms of excitement, confident the party is only just starting—thanks to all those “structural” institutional investors and the ETF crowd, who are finally treating Bitcoin less like Monopoly money and more like, well, gold.
Meanwhile, risk appetites among crypto investors grew larger than the average British pub lunch. Even Chinese state-linked media started hinting that US officials actually remembered how to dial Beijing for a tariff chat—because politics and crypto mix just as delightfully as vodka and orange juice.
fewer angry tweets, more seamless transactions. Imagine if IKEA furniture could snap together with LEGO blocks. It feels that revolutionary—unless you’re an actual programmer, in which case, it probably just feels like Tuesday.
Bitcoin: Headed for the Big Shiny $1 Million Club?
Bitwise’s in-house crystal ball gazer, André Dragosch, is out here telling anyone within earshot (or on the Chain Reaction X Spaces show at least) that Bitcoin is careening toward $1 million by 2029. He claims this is absolutely, completely, definitely because institutional investors are now tossing money at Bitcoin like confetti at a royal wedding.
Here’s his logic: If gold is worth over $21.7 trillion and Bitcoin is—at the time of writing—stodgily stuck at $1.9 trillion, what’s to stop Bitcoin catching up? Probably nothing, except math, physics, investor panic, or another batch of questionable celebrity endorsements.
But if you can’t wait for 2029, Bitwise throws out $200,000 as the “base case” for 2025, and $500,000 if governments decide they should get involved. No word on what happens if politicians realize they don’t actually understand blockchains.
The Trumps Are Making Stablecoins. No, Really. 🤦
If you thought crypto couldn’t get any weirder, Abu Dhabi’s investment firm MGX just announced it’ll drop a stonking $2 billion investment into Binance using—brace yourself—the World Liberty Financial USD (USD1) stablecoin, launched by a Trump-affiliated platform. Yes, the “Liberty” in the name really does scream subtlety, doesn’t it?
Eric Trump (the one who isn’t usually on the news) declared the massive transaction at Token2049 in Dubai, where the phrase “family business” apparently now means “creating new money from thin air and sending it to crypto exchanges.” As if Monopoly wasn’t surreal enough.
Apparently, this is MGX’s first foray into cryptocurrencies—a reminder that everyone eventually wants a slice of the weirdest pie around. Binance, meanwhile, continues its proud tradition of answering every hard question with “No comment.”
Ethereum: Fewer Headaches, More Tokens
Ethereum’s developers, not content to sit on their hands, have proposed not one, but two new token standards: ERC-7930 and ERC-7828. The plan is to simplify that peculiar nonsense of sending tokens between chains, which right now resembles sending a postcard from Outer Mongolia to a flat in Croydon.
Wonderland (no, not the theme park, the DeFi ecosystem research organization) is desperate for feedback, mostly because every wallet, app, and developer appears to have invented their own rules for how a blockchain should work. The result? As they put it: “A messy, inconsistent experience that breaks crosschain UX.”
“We badly need feedback on the ETH-Magicians forum.”
Translation: “Help. Please. We are drowning in code and despair.”
Crypto Hackers Return: Now With 124% More Shenanigans ⚔️
Nobody loves statistics quite like blockchain researchers, so here’s a cheery one for you: Hackers swiped a breathtaking $92 million from DeFi platforms in April. That’s a 124% month-on-month increase! Somewhere, a cybersecurity consultant is buying a boat.
The champion of bangs-for-your-buck was UPCX, losing $70 million in a single hack. KiloEx lost $7.5 million, but in a surprise plot twist, the hacker gave it back. It’s nice to see that Robin Hood is taking temp jobs in crypto, although perhaps he could time his interventions better.
Apparently, not one centralized exchange was hacked in April. Either they’ve finally learned, or hackers just forgot their passwords again.
Immunefi, the company responsible for keeping $190 billion safe, has paid out more in bounties than most people could ever spend on avocado toast.
Crypto Lobbyists: “Free Our Developers, Or At Least Make Life Less Weird”
Never let it be said crypto lobbyists don’t know how to write a stern letter. The DeFi Education Fund fired off a missive to the Trump administration, demanding a stop to the prosecution of open-source developers—specifically, Tornado Cash’s Roman Storm.
Storm stands accused of helping launder $1 billion (with a “b”), mostly because someone else used his software for less-than-noble things. The Fund’s counterargument? Charging software developers when criminals use their code is like blaming IKEA when someone turns a bookshelf into a trebuchet.
Legal drama aside, the Fund insists this all just puts the freeze on innovation—never mind the potential for open-source developers everywhere to panic quietly into their keyboards.
For its part, a Texas court already decided Treasury overstepped once by sanctioning Tornado Cash, but clearly, the US legal system believes in cliffhangers.
This Week’s DeFi Winners, Losers & Assorted Oddities 🎉
If you enjoy green arrows, you probably loved this week. Most top cryptocurrencies finished up, with Virtuals Protocol’s (VIRTUAL) token leaping a dainty 103% and Solayer (LAYER) token notching a more modest but still eyebrow-raising 29%.
And there you have it: another chaotically entertaining week in the wilds of crypto. Come back next Friday, unless a blockchain-powered flying car spirits us away before then! 🚀
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2025-05-02 21:33