Crypto Mania! Sam Altman’s Worldcoin and the Eye-Scanning Orbs Invade USA 🚀

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There had not been so much commotion in the realm of currency since the famous nose of Major Kovalyov turned up in a loaf of bread. Every crypto trader, their aunt, and even a few skeptical goats had their eyes—human ones, mind you—fixed upon the curious spectacle of Sam Altman’s Worldcoin. Imagine! A project where artificial intelligence shakes hands with cryptocurrency, greases its already slippery palms, and proceeds to launch an invasion across the American continent. On a Thursday, May 1st no less—like all respectable confusions commence.

Word broke out (as words are wont to do—never quietly) that the fabled World ID had materialized in not one, nor two, but six eminently American cities. Investor sentiment fluttered upwards with the enthusiasm of a bureaucrat who has discovered a brand new stamp. Meanwhile, a venerable crypto exchange—whose very name sends shivers down the backs of under-caffeinated speculators—whipped things to a froth by promising to list this AI token. At this rate, even Gogol’s Inspector General would be afraid to show his face for fear of being asked for an iris scan. 🫣

WLD Does the Crypto Dance – Bullish Ballerinas or Broken Toe?

But, ah! The waltz of coins follows no master. As of this narration, the WLD coin wobbled its way to a 4.5% dip, landing squarely at $1.03—a price so poetic, the numerologists were found weeping. Despite all the hullabaloo and technological hoopla, the coin’s value teased and taunted those who plotted graphs for a living. Still, on the weekly chart, an eyebrow-raising 19% gain shone, like a dubious stain on a freshly pressed shirt. Traders watched with bated breath—some bullish, some bear-ish, most just wishing they’d made tea instead of investments.

World ID: The Iris, the Orb, and the Six American Cities 👀

The Worldcoin crew, gleeful as a government official with a new bribe, proclaimed on X (where everything important is said these days) that their World ID had entered the U.S. This ID, a confirmation of general humanness, requires none other than the recipient’s ocular globes—yes, your eye!—to be scanned by formidable contraptions called Orbs, blessed by NVIDIA itself.

The eye-scanning ceremonial dance now graces Atlanta, Austin, Los Angeles, Miami, Nashville, and San Francisco. Americans of all shapes, sizes, and philosophical outlooks can have their peepers inspected by Worldcoin’s magical spheres in World Spaces or, interestingly, Razer stores. Such is the future we deserve.

Naturally, this electrifying process has drawn fresh attention to both Worldcoin and its enigmatic WLD token, with many observers squinting suspiciously at the price ticker.

Coinbase Declares: Altman’s Coin is Welcome—Sort Of

Not content to sit by sipping kvass, Coinbase, the great exchange behemoth, announced the listing of WLD on its Optimism network. Trading will commence in phases, depending on—what else?—liquidity. For those residing in jurisdictions less friendly than a Petersburg winter, however, this joyous event may remain a mere rumor, passed by word of mouth or, worse, meme. Nevertheless, the broader market erupted with optimism, as is customary when news has three syllables or more.

Meanwhile, the learned soothsayers at CoinGape, gazing into their three-month bias indicator (a cousin to the Tsar’s golden abacus), declared the bulls ruled for now. Fortune’s wheel—greased by hope, ambition, and perhaps a smudge of artificial intelligence—may yet turn upward.

To add cream atop this already unstable blini, World App has introduced Morpho Mini—an offering for lending, borrowing, and rewards worthy of a Gogolian bureaucrat. Soon, perhaps, every honest soul from Moscow to Manhattan will gaze into the Orb, blinking uncertainly at the future—a future dense with sarcasm, ambition, and, above all, inescapable bureaucracy.

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2025-05-01 11:53