From the muck of Wall Street’s imagination rose another tale, as brown and persistent as the Dnieper in thaw: Tesla, the electrified chariot builder, apparently seeking to cast aside their tsar, Elon Musk. “He must be plotting escape,” muttered the journal, clutching their ledgers. “Or perhaps they wish a new czar with fewer questionable memes?”
Of course, the news rolled through the land with the speed of a vodka cart gone off the rails—speculators waving their arms, investors clutching at their wallets, and several old men nodding wisely while understanding nothing. “It’s so investors don’t run like chickens from a fox,” they declared, referencing Musk’s intriguing partnership with the mighty state hound—the notorious Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE, woof).
Elon, sitting atop a pile of circuit boards, looked at the rumor and laughed heartily. Then, remembering decorum, he described the affair as an “extremely bad breach of ethics.” He certainly knows a thing or two about bad breaches—just ask Twitter!
An official proclamation thundered forth from Tesla’s digital towers:
Today’s rumor, that the Board had gone recruiting for a new czar, is as false as my grandmother’s gold tooth. All who say otherwise eat borscht with fork.
The CEO—yes, still Musk—remains at the wheel. The Board, stout and possibly a little sleep deprived, stands behind him, plotting more exciting chaos ahead.
— Robyn Denholm, officially, probably not a robot (yet)
Meanwhile, Tesla’s stock price slipped, tumbling like a drunk out of a tavern, costing $282.16 at closing yesterday. Nothing to see here, friends. Unless you enjoy watching numbers dance—a pastime for bankers and the truly desperate.
Stay tuned, comrades. In the empire of wheels and wires, there is never silence—only the buzzing of rumors and the electric purring of progress!
⚡️🐻🚗
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2025-05-01 09:52