Wall Street Bankers Hate Him: Twain Roasts Bitcoin’s Wild Ride and ‘Crypto Bros’

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Well now, don’t go betting the farm on Bitcoin just yet, friend — unless you’ve a hankerin’ for head-scratching bewilderment, much like watching my Aunt Polly try to predict the weather by the way her cat sneezes. Seems those short-term charts and graphs — drawn up by a fella at 10x Research, whose name I reckon is longer than his faith in bull markets — are hollerin’ “bear!” while the rest of the crypto crowd is busy practicing their victory dances.

Why, any self-respecting fortune teller with a glass ball and a deck of tarot cards is predicting new Bitcoin (BTC) record highs by June. But Markus Thielen — that’s the buckaroo in charge of research — says he’s about as skeptical as a Missouri mule in front of a haunted haystack. He reckons the onchain data looks “a heap more like a bear market than a bull,” which, if you’re keeping score, means don’t pawn granny’s silver spoons for more coins just yet. 🐻

Short-term indicators: more spooked than a cat in a rain barrel

This Thielen fella points to something called the “Bitcoin stochastic oscillator” — a gadget that’s no more understandable to me than a French recipe written backwards. It measures price momentum or maybe moon phases, who knows. But Markus says it’s the kind of thing you see at a market top, or the end of a cycle — which is just a polite way of saying “fellers, the good times might be packing up for a vacation.”

Short-term and long-term signals ain’t lining up, not unlike my Uncle Silas’s socks after laundry day. Market’s got a case of the jitters, and no one can agree on which way’s up, down, or sideways. 🍿

Long gone, says Markus, are the salad days of parabolic price runs fueled by every Tom, Dick, and Crypto-Bro with a phone and a dream. Bitcoin’s all grown up now, demanding “a more sophisticated, finance-oriented approach.” (I think that’s banker-speak for “we got bored and let the adults in.”)

Seems the big rally over the last year wasn’t folks flipping coins and praying — but rather the genteel holders with deep pockets and stiffer spines, playing a long game. They’re buyin’ and holdin’, not swingin’ on vine like Tarzan between bull and bear.

As of this moment, Bitcoin’s struttin’ around $83,810 — up 32.8% since this time last year, which is more than I can say for the price of riverboats or good whiskey.

Déjà vu in Bitcoin land: 2024 style

Thielen keeps singing the same tune: Bitcoin may wander aimlessly sideways for a spell, just like it did the year before — moving within a broad corral between $73,000 and $94,000, with just enough “upside bias” to keep gamblers awake at night.

Back in March 2024, Bitcoin hit a high-water mark at $73,679 before lazing about, bobbing up and down in a $20,000 range, waiting for a sign — perhaps for Donald Trump to grab the wheel at the elections before it moved an inch. 🏇

Yet, optimism refuses to die! Hopefuls look to June as the month Bitcoin might bust clean through its all-time high of $109,000, a record it set just as Trump was dusting off his oath-taking arm in January.

The head honcho over at Swan Bitcoin, Cory Klippsten, told CryptoMoon that the chance of seeing a new all-time high before June is “better than a coin flip,” which makes me suspect he spends his weekends flipping coins.

Lining up in the chorus, soothsayers Timothy Peterson and Jamie Coutts both have their money on June, too — with Peterson confiding that a new record’s within reach, and Coutts reckoning the market just might be taking a nap and could spring up before Q2 goes out the door.

In the end, Bitcoin, much like human nature, manages to baffle, amuse, and enrich a lucky few — provided they don’t lose their shirts first. Be careful, partners, for fortunes in cryptoland rise and fall faster than a catfish’s whiskers in a frying pan! 🪙🐟

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2025-04-16 09:27