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The reason? Well, a few things. Valuations are high, naturally. Everyone always wants a bargain, but in the stock market, bargains are rarer than hen’s teeth. And then there’s the matter of tariffs. President Trump, you see, has a fondness for tariffs. It’s like a childhood hobby he’s decided to revisit in a rather significant way. He initially imposed these tariffs using something called the International Emergency Economic Powers Act – a name so cumbersome it feels like a legal challenge in itself. The Supreme Court, in a rare display of decisiveness, decided he’d overstepped the mark. But, never one to be deterred, he simply switched to a different, equally complicated act – Section 122 of the Trade Act of 1974. It’s a bit like patching a leak with a different type of duct tape. Yale estimates this shuffle has lowered the average tax on imports from 16% to 13.7%, which, while a reduction, doesn’t exactly solve the underlying issue.

Here, then, are two such instances, observed through the distortions of the current epoch, and offered not as recommendations for immediate enrichment, but as subjects for sober consideration.

Investing in these companies early can yield spectacular returns, assuming they don’t encounter any…unforeseen difficulties (like, say, accidentally creating a self-replicating protein that consumes all organic matter – it’s happened in simulations, you know). The risk, naturally, is substantial. So, how does one navigate this minefield of potential breakthroughs and equally potential disasters? The answer, as is so often the case, is to look for a company that’s already managed to avoid the most obvious pitfalls. One that’s, shall we say, demonstrated a minimal level of competence.

The company’s recent performance, it must be conceded, has been… arresting. Revenue surged 70% in the last quarter, a figure that practically demands exclamation points. Net income, a robust $609 million, is a sum that allows for a certain amount of managerial indulgence. And the adjusted free cash flow, a neat $791 million, suggests a business model that, at least for the moment, is rather adept at converting data into dollars. The Rule of 40, a metric beloved by the numerically inclined, registers a dizzying 127% – a statistic that, frankly, feels suspiciously… performative. As if the company is shouting, “Look how fast we’re growing!” – a tactic usually reserved for adolescent cheetahs.

The financial news keeps mentioning something called the “Shiller CAPE Ratio,” which sounds less like an indicator of economic health and more like a cocktail I’d accidentally order at a particularly pretentious bar. Apparently, it’s high. Very high. Which, if I understand correctly (and I rarely do), means things are…overvalued. It reminded me of the time I bought a ceramic cat for $45 at a flea market, convinced it was a rare collectible. It wasn’t. It was just a ceramic cat.

Amazon distinguishes itself through a tripartite revenue model, demonstrating leadership in two sectors and a significant presence in a third. This diversification mitigates risk and provides multiple avenues for sustained growth. The company’s evolution from an online bookstore to an “everything store” established its dominance in e-commerce, culminating in its surpassing Walmart as the world’s largest retailer in 2025. Fourth-quarter results reveal net sales of $213.4 billion, a 14% year-over-year increase, with 57% attributable to digital retail and third-party seller services. This translated to net income of $24.9 billion, up 18%.

As of the year 2026, the pursuit of artificial intelligence resembles nothing so much as a frantic race towards an unknowable horizon. The great tech principalities – Amazon, Alphabet, and others – are expending fortunes, sums that would once have financed entire kingdoms, on ‘data centers’ – vast repositories of calculation. Amazon, for example, has declared its intention to increase its capital expenditures by a staggering 50%, reaching a total of 200 billion units of currency. Alphabet’s ambitions are comparable, earmarking between 175 and 185 billion. The estimates suggest that the total expenditure on artificial intelligence this year alone could exceed 700 billion. A prodigious sum, indeed.

At the heart of this rather startling transformation is Optimus, Tesla’s humanoid robot. Musk is so convinced of Optimus’ potential that he’s begun to…re-prioritize. The production of the Model S and X, those perfectly respectable vehicles, is being scaled back. The Fremont factory, previously dedicated to building cars, is being repurposed for robot manufacturing. It’s a bold move, akin to rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic, but with more silicon and fewer lifeboats.

Duolingo, you see, is the company that encourages one to learn languages. Rather like a particularly persistent governess, but with an app. A surprising number of people – fifty million daily, in fact – seem to enjoy it, mostly for free. Though eleven and a half million are sufficiently desperate – or perhaps merely polite – to pay a small monthly fee. It’s all frightfully clever, and, more importantly, it’s growing. Revenue was up 41% last quarter, outpacing user growth – which is always a good sign. They even managed to turn a profit, which, in this day and age, is practically a miracle.