The Jito Foundation is bringing its core operations back to the United States, marking a rare reversal after years in which many crypto firms moved offshore to avoid regulatory pressure. The decision follows what Jito’s leadership describes as a clearer and more constructive policy environment emerging in Washington. 🗽
Shima Capital, the firm that made “Web3” sound like a guaranteed ticket to riches, is now the star of its own financial disaster movie. The SEC just dropped a bombshell lawsuit accusing founder Yida Gao of turning his résumé into a fantasy novel. Spoiler alert: the plot holes are massive. According to Kate Irwin’s reporting, the SEC claims Shima Capital pulled off a “systematic scheme” to dupe investors while serving champagne on a sinking yacht. 🚢
Tom Lee-linked Bitmine is basically the crypto version of a wealthy uncle who always has the best investment tips. 🧑🤝🧑💰 But hey, 48,049 ETH is like a fancy dinner party for your portfolio. 🍷✨
Oracle, bless its servers, couldn’t secure $10 billion from Blue Owl Capital for a Michigan data center. This is the financial equivalent of getting ghosted after a third date-especially awkward since Blue Owl previously funded Oracle’s AI aspirations. Investors now wonder if Oracle’s creditworthiness is somewhere between a college freshman and a man who buys a yacht he can’t afford.
According to the quarterly scroll of the SEC, the wizards sold every last scrip of their investment in the third moon-cycle of the year. Their assets, which had once gleamed with 5.2% of their portfolio’s AUM, were now reduced to ash.² The remaining treasure chest held 32% less gold than before, a clear sign that the wizards had been trimming their sails in preparation for stormier seas.³
The filing reveals a paradox: while reducing their physical share count to 8.4 million, the fund’s proportional commitment has increased. This financial sleight-of-hand occurs against a backdrop where SentinelOne’s market price ($14.56) mocks its 2021 peak with all the cruelty of a Shakespearean villain. Yet the stock persists as their third-largest holding, trailing only NYSE:HNGE and NASDAQ:UDMY in a portfolio that reads like a modern Medici’s ledger.
In this theater of greed and deception, Binance proclaims its commitment to “user protection” and “regulatory compliance,” as though such virtues were not already the stuff of legend in this wild frontier. 🛡️✨ Yet, who are we to doubt? The exchange hath published its sacred listing framework, a tome to ward off the charlatans and the schemers. Token teams, take heed! Submit thy applications through the hallowed portals, lest ye fall prey to the siren songs of false intermediaries. 🎭
Generative AI has turned lying into a bargain-bin hobby 🎩🐇. Remember when faking your identity required a shady mustache and a voice like a dying goose? Now you just click “Generate” and boom-you’ve got a synthetic face smoother than your post-18th-birthday skin. And let’s be real: these tools are so user-friendly, even your cat could bypass a crypto verification system. 🐾
There were no blazing banners, no exuberant market euphoria, just a subtle recalibration beneath the surface. Fusaka, the stealthy ninja of upgrades, is busy recalculating rollup economics, decentralization dynamics, and long-term fee structures-like a clairvoyant accountant with a penchant for dramatic irony. Beneath the calm exterior, it unlocks a torrent of data throughput, stabilizes blob-fee prices, and introduces pre-confirmations-giving users near-instantaneous confirmations faster than you can say “block time.” It’s the upgrade that whispers, “Trust me, I’m fixing everything while you’re distracted.”
