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A certain restlessness has settled over the ether, hasn\’t it? This new “Monad,” this blockchain, launched with a flourish just days ago, promising… well, promises are cheap these days, aren’t they? Its native token, MON, experienced a brief, almost indecent rise – an 80% surge, they say – reaching a peak of 0.048 on the twenty-sixth of November. A veritable whirlwind of enthusiasm, I assure you. One almost felt obligated to investigate, but one is, alas, a writer, not a speculator. 🤔

Oh, the PBOC has another idea! With the finesse of a toddler determined not to share toys, China’s central bank has once again solemnly declared war on cryptocurrency trading 🚀. Because nothing says “financial stability” like banning virtual coins until they vanish like magic tricks. Despite a roaring global crypto resurgence (we’re talking “Elon Musk’s tucked reference to Mars” levels), China’s clinging to its 2021 crypto ban like it’s their last remaining sock from a mismatched pair. And guess what? They’re now hunting “illegal activities” linked to crypto with the tenacity of a terrier at a tennis ball factory.

We’re talking 20,000 to 40,000 of these things. Which, to the uninitiated, sounds like a perfectly reasonable number of online accounts. But apparently, not for regular XRP users. It’s like suddenly all the hamsters on the internet decided to open brokerage accounts. Someone’s prepping, testing permissions, the whole shebang. Preparing for… what, exactly? Honestly, who knows. Probably something very important. Or maybe just a really elaborate digital pen pal scheme.

The larger altcoins, those supposed titans of currency, lumber along with all the zest of a Cossack at a slow dance-except for the flamboyant HYPE, AVAX, and ZEC, who seem to have decided to indulge in a little dramatic dumping since yesterday, as though auditioning for a tragedy.

This event marks the first anniversary of Hyperliquid’s storied airdrop, which was touted as one of the most splendid and community-focused token launches ever seen. But alas, the universe, in its infinite jest, has seen fit to have the HYPE token drop by over 23% in the past month, and almost 5% in the past 24 hours, as gleefully reported by CoinMarketCap.

According to the oracle at SoSoValue, these once-dead funds managed to breathe again, pulling in a cool $70.05 million in the last week of November-a date that will go down in history as the week the Titanic paused its descent. Of course, BlackRock’s IBIT-proudly sporting a share value of $51.55-was about as affected as a rock in a river, with net outflows of $137.01 million. But fear not, mere mortals, because it still commands a staggering $62.57 billion in net assets, proving once again that Big Brother is still playing chess while everyone else is busy losing checkers. 🏢🧱

With Yuletide around the bend, it’s time to turn our jolly-yet-jaded jolly eyes to the third coziest coonskin cap in town – XRP. So, I said, “Hey AI buddies, got any fun stories for us about XRP’s dazzling December?! And by fun, I mean explosive cash bonanza or terrifying financial free fall! Choose your adventure!”

And here we thought the only thing sturdier than their Great Firewall was their resolve to squash the digital high-flyers. China is back at it, giving digital coins a new level of “No Entry” after their 2021 ban cameo. It’s like when Bridget Jones tries to attend a yoga retreat – noble but oh-so-challenging.