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In this bewildering landscape of semiconductor fabrication, where cash is akin to a lifeline, Intel found itself suffocated by the impenetrable demands of scaling its Intel 18A process while simultaneously grappling with the burdensome mechanics of developing the upcoming Intel 14A process-each endeavor linked inexorably to the necessity of external clientele, which would justify the exorbitant investments required. In a strange twist, the release from this existential pressure came, as if by fate, through the machinations of Nvidia (NVDA).

As of Thursday, the stock has blasted up by 24.6%-that’s right, you heard it, 24.6%! Talk about *launching* to the moon! Well, sort of. According to our good friends over at S&P Global Market Intelligence, at 1:10 p.m. ET, IonQ was making waves like a surfer on a quantum wave-catching the attention of investors like your neighbor’s cat catching a laser pointer. It’s that fast.

Indeed, the market, that most fickle of muses, has once again been charmed by the alchemy of quantum contracts. Rigetti’s partnership with QphoX-a Dutch firm whose name evokes the whimsy of a Dutch tulip-promises to unravel the mysteries of quantum networking. One imagines two scholars in waistcoats, sipping tea, debating whether quantum processors can collaborate with the same grace as a well-run shareholder meeting. The goal, of course, is to solve problems collectively, a feat that would make even the most stoic of dividend hunters reconsider their patience.

Ah, but what could possibly be amiss in this grand spectacle of electronic warfare? One must ponder, for the world is a stage, and AMD stands in a dimly lit corner, clutching its stock like a child clings to a tattered toy, its face a mask of bewilderment.

Enter stage left, two titans vying for mastery in this mystical domain: IonQ (IONQ), sprightly and spry, was the first to take a swan dive into public waters back in 2021, while the venerable International Business Machines (IBM), that ancient relic of tech-fueled wizardry, let loose its very own quantum computer into the cloud, a whimsical foray initiated way back in 2016.

Figma (FIG), the scrappy upstart with a $26 billion market cap, is the startup that got away. Adobe (ADBE), the $150 billion tech titan, is the aging rockstar trying to stay relevant. One is a caffeinated designer’s dream; the other, a corporate behemoth with a slight case of growth fatigue. Which one deserves your hard-earned cash? Let’s dissect this like a particularly dramatic episode of Shark Tank.

This morning’s spectacle unfolded when Intel revealed that Nvidia (NVDA), previously mistaken for that enigmatic, rivally entity playing the part of the villain at the sci-fi crossover film nobody asked for, will be investing a princely sum of $5 billion in Intel. The purpose? To assist the erstwhile opponent in conjuring up a magical realm of AI infrastructure (think of it as the next . . . well, the next everything) and personal computing contraptions.

However, all of this shiny future tech comes at a price. As of last week, Intuitive’s stock is in a bit of a rut, down 14% for the year. It’s like a stock-market version of an awkward high school reunion. Intuitive’s price recently dipped to $425-its lowest point in the last 52 weeks. It’s had a slight rebound since, but it’s still making the walk of shame back from that dip.