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Interactive Brokers operates a platform – a digital expanse where fortunes are made and unmade with the click of a button. It is a place where clients, anonymous figures trading in abstractions, buy and sell not merely stocks, but futures, options, even the ephemeral promise of cryptocurrency. The company’s ascent into the S&P 500, coupled with a market capitalization exceeding one hundred and thirty billion, feels less like an achievement and more like the inevitable consequence of a system that rewards growth, regardless of its underlying logic.

You see, there’s a heap of speculation in this newfangled “quantum computing.” Folks are throwin’ money at it like it’s the cure for boredom. But a wise man—or a cautious investor—remembers that innovation ain’t always profitable. D-Wave, bless their ambitious hearts, is actually makin’ some revenue, which is a rare and pleasant surprise in this era of vaporware. They’ve got a bit of cash stashed away too, $836 million, which is enough to keep the lights on for a spell. They’re respected in the industry, which is sayin’ somethin’. I reckon it won’t fall to nothin’, but I’d wager a nickel it’ll be a bumpy ride for a good while yet.

They move stuff. Oil, gas, the occasional rogue beach ball. They’re in the “midstream” business, which sounds suspiciously like a spy novel, but it just means they own the pipelines and storage facilities that get energy from Point A to Point B. They charge a fee, which is nice, because nobody likes working for free. And here’s the beautiful part: the price of oil and gas going up or down? Schmaltz! Doesn’t matter much. As long as the stuff is moving, they’re making money. It’s like a toll booth on the highway of hydrocarbons. A surprisingly reliable business, wouldn’t you say? Even when the world is going bananas, people still need to heat their homes and drive their cars. It’s a basic need, like a good pastrami on rye.

SoundHound, it appears, is attempting to build a business on the premise that people will willingly converse with machines. A charming notion, perhaps, but one which relies heavily on the assumption that these machines will, in fact, be able to understand them. Their focus is, ostensibly, on consumer-facing applications – ordering meals, arranging travel – the sort of tasks one might delegate to a particularly efficient, if somewhat impertinent, secretary. Navitas, by contrast, manufactures the silicon required to keep the data centres humming – the unglamorous, but essential, infrastructure upon which this digital fantasy is built.

The S&P 500, that grand, lumbering index, experiences such hiccups with regularity – about once every four years, a gentle reminder that even empires crumble, if only momentarily. But Axon, for nearly a decade, seemed immune. It expanded, naturally, beyond the simple TASER, branching into the realm of body cameras, dashboard cameras, and the management of evidence – a veritable panopticon for the modern age. A surge, a veritable blossoming of stock value, occurred – a 3,340% increase over the period from 2015 to 2024. One suspects a clerical error, perhaps a rogue decimal point, but the numbers, alas, hold firm.

They call it Wall Street’s most hated stock. Which, honestly, sounds like a perfectly good reason to take a closer look. Of the analysts offering opinions – and people are always offering opinions – only 23% suggest buying it. The other 77%? They’ve moved on to less troublesome investments, like beanie babies or hope.

A few years ago, the merits of either stock rested on rather more terrestrial concerns. Now, however, both enterprises present themselves as pioneers of a digital future, a future which, one suspects, may arrive considerably later than advertised. Tesla, naturally, proposes to unleash a fleet of driverless vehicles, a vision of automated convenience. Meta, meanwhile, aspires to something grander, a ‘superintelligence’ – a phrase which, in the current climate, evokes less scientific optimism than existential dread.

Dogecoin and Shiba Inu, those digital embodiments of internet whimsy, have fared particularly poorly. They declined by 61% and 66% respectively in 2025. But those numbers, while alarming to anyone who invested their life savings, are merely previews of a more substantial gravitational pull downwards. They’re also, if we’re being honest, rather predictable. (Predictability, of course, is a relative term. Predicting the weather next Tuesday is far more reliable than predicting the future of a digital asset based on a meme.)